The New Pool Rules....

                                           

If you haven’t put on at least 2 stone, developed a serious alcohol problem, have hair that looks like Worzel Gummidge staggering out from an explosion in a flock mattress factory and eyebrows that look like you’re growing a pair of glasses, then you clearly haven’t taken this pandemic lockdown lark seriously!



Dyslexic Lives Mattress....

                                           

Boris announces reduction in social distancing rules to one metre, much to the chagrin of shop owners who’ve just spent the last month on their hands and knees marking out two metre distanced areas with black and yellow sticky tape.



Although swimming pools will reopen at the end of July, due to social distancing rules, there’ll be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5.
                                                             

Have I got this right? Now rules have been relaxed, you’ve no need to stick in your present bubble. You can have another bubble to see your grandchildren. This is to be known as a ‘Double Bubble’. Next week, you can also see other folk in a ‘Treble Bubble’. However, you can only see Granny & Auntie Mabel when ‘Quadruple Bubble’ becomes announced by Boris, nearer Christmas or the second wave or thereabouts. You can also go into a pub or club on Saturday and Sunday and then fly to Spain on Monday. Wahay! I’ll get me hat and coat!

                                     

Tameside, Oldham and Glossop - Panic gripped the streets last week, when patches of sky took on a periwinkle blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above all of the townships. The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the boroughs, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats, anoraks and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Boris Johnson urged people to be calm and return to washing their hands and social distancing and act as normal stating: "Stay Alert", he opined, "Don’t go out of the house until the pubs reopen." There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath, but wear a mask!"


                                   

Liverpool FC fans were brawling, ignoring social distancing rules and acting disgracefully before leaving tons of beer cans, bottles and other disgusting detritus outside Anfield last week. 103 arrests were made. The Chief Constable of Merseyside police said “It’s horrendous. We will not tolerate this appalling behaviour every thirty years!”

                                         

Fascinating Fact: Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

                                                 

A bloke asked me what I did for a living. I sez “I’m a Spy”. He replied: “Why are you dressed as a shepherd?” I said “I’m a shepherds spy!

                                                     

Thursday Quiz: - (Q) What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? (A) Nacho cheese....

My dog is so lazy he can't even be bothered to bark. He just waits for another dog to bark, then nods his head!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                         

Recommending rudimentary research, requiring a reasonable response....

                                                              

                            
Is the regrettable rise in the R rate really related to repeated rallies renouncing racism, ruffians reacting recklessly at riots or rapscallions revelling and rhapsodising at raves? I recommend rudimentary research requiring a reasonable response.



Due to the present pandemic, we would respectfully ask protesters to stay at home and destroy their own property.

                                                           

Barmy Albert is so tight-fisted that when the pubs eventually re-open, he’ll remember exactly who bought the last round of drinks in the darts and dominoes team! He’s so mean, he only breathes in!



Public Service Announcement: Has the Coronavirus Pandemic forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? If so, you could be eligible for condensation...



Scallywags who pinch clothes from other folks washing lines. Well, I’ve been there, done that and got the T-Shirt!

                                              

I nipped down to the local tobacconist yesterday, because I fancied a cigar. Imagine my surprise when I discovered it’s been changed into a men’s haberdashery shop. Clothes, but no cigar



Imagine what history would've been like if we’d had today’s technology in days of yore. We might be reading headlines like: - During isolation, Samson allows partner Delilah to cut his hair. Goliath and David pose for selfie before title fight or King Harold hit by arrow during monster rave at Daisy Nook!

                                           

Yesterday, the wife sez: “Did you know that a butterfly only lives for one single day.” I replied: “No, that’s a myth.” She opined: “No it’s not, it’s a butterfly!” So, the missus doesn’t believe in moths! That’s when the fight started!

                                       

Fascinating Fact: Anne Boleyn actually had a brother called Tenpin. Furthermore, she would never just saunter into a room. She would amble in...



Last week, I was digging a hole in the back garden when I discovered an ancient coin. I was so excited, l ran in to tell the wife, only then did I remember why I was digging the hole in the first place! That’s when the 2nd fight started!

                                                       

Apparently 'spite' is not an appropriate answer to the question; "What motivates you..."



Riddle me this:- If a woman is always right and the bloke is always wrong, then if a man tells a woman she is right, does that mean he’s wrong?



Government officials in Egypt have requested that the city’s taxi drivers perambulate around Cairo, sounding their horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of normality will return tranquillity following the recent pandemic lockdown quarantine gubbins. Operation Toot ‘n Calm ‘em will last for a month.


                                                          

The worst investment that I’ve made this year is a 2020 diary. I get snow-blind just flicking through the pages!


Fascinating Fact;- Did you know that a hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and swim faster than humans in water, which means a bicycle is the only chance you have of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

Q) What’s the difference between a hippo & a Zippo? A) One weighs 2 ton, whereas the other is a little lighter...

                                         

RIP Wayne 'Check' Allen....

                   

I knew him since he worked for Lord Bertie Topham in Manchester during the mid 70's. He got me some 10 day tours of Germany around the troop bases. He was an inveterate chortler. He abhorred bad language and would take anyone to task who used it. I bumped into him at Granada TV in mid 80's and for some reason he had a bag that belonged to Victor Spinetti. We ended up going out on the ale with Victor who was meeting his pal Charles Gray, who played Blofeld in the Bond movies, then Fred Feast and Lynne Perrie joined the group and it became a right bender! An impromptu gathering with the ‘Mad Jaffa Cake Eater’, a Bond villain and a couple of Corrie stars! He gave me this LP in the Long Bar and it contains his famous version of Nessun dorma sung in Italian Welsh! Hilarious! I asked him where the ‘Check’ originated from in his stage moniker and apparently it was a group that he fronted prior to becoming a stand-up comic.


RIP Wayne. There'll never be another!

                                             

RIP Willie Thorne. One of our best men. Life will be infinitely poorer for his passing. We had many a chortle during our travels.

Painful pandemical proportions persist...

Is the regrettable rise in the R rate really related to repeated rallies renouncing racism, ruffians reacting recklessly at riots or rapscallions rhapsodising at raves?

I heard a new lockdown golf term. It's a Dominic Cummings. It's a really long drive that goes out of bounds without penalty....

Yesterday, the missus sez: “I’m popping out to the non-essential shops, is there anything that you don’t want?”



The Flat Earth Society has announced that the two metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge...


                                                             

Chester Zoo has reopened after furloughed flamingos had no option but to put their foot down. You must also keep two cheetahs apart. So as from last Monday, you can go see an elephant and a giraffe, but you can’t see granny or Auntie Mabel, unless they’re in a bubble.



Should I abide by the rules until they are changed, or help speed up the change by breaking them like Dominic Cummings?



A furloughed British airways pilot did some painting and decorating for me last week. He made an excellent job of the landing.

                                               

The missus asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking. Apparently, Slimming World was not the correct answer. Furthermore, if you are asked which child is your favourite, you should choose one of your own. That’s when the fight started!



Despite having some lovely sunny weather last week, I simply cannot believe that in these times of self isolation that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many folk. Admittedly it wasn't my garden, or my underwear...

                                 

Barmy Albert phones Non-Stick Nora and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says I might have to have it amputated.” Nora replied: “Who’s Sharon?”



During the lockdown lark, my 4 year old nephew has been learning Spanish, but still hasn’t learned how to say ‘please’. I honestly think that this is poor for four...


                                     

Eleven Step Guide to Lockdown DIY & Odd- Jobs around the House:

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!

5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, swearing, smashing, battering and throwing stuff around sometimes does help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

                                       

The Sign Zone....

Wear a hand, wash your masks and safe alert!

The United Kingdom appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave of Covid 19 by keeping the first wave going!




I was most perturbed when my Wi-Fi suddenly stopped working yesterday. I then realised that my neighbour Barmy Albert has been laid off work and has no disposable income whatsoever. He’s potless! Because of this, he has not paid his BT bill. What an irresponsible attitude people have these days. Luckily, I guessed the password for the folks who’ve been furloughed next door but one. Result!

Does anyone know if we can have a bath or a shower yet, or are we still just washing our hands? I need to know because I’m off out next Wednesday putting the wheelie bin out.

                                         

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that there are two types of Tory voter.  The millionaires and the misguided. To find out which one you are, just look in your wallet.  Personally, I keep a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It’s a constant reminder of why there’s no flippin’ money in there!

Police say they are baffled as to why the commemorative blue plaque keeps going missing from outside Colgate's Head Office....

                                                 

Are you skint because of this situation? Then why not do some forward planning for Christmas by telling the kids that  Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic. Oh! Don’t forget that the Tooth Fairy turned her toes up as well!

I was languishing in line outside B & Q at The Snipe yesterday, when Non Stick Nora phoned me and enquired:  ” How massive is the queue?”  I sez: “It looks like it’s about the same size as the B!”

Have you lost track of what day it is during lockdown?  Take note that days of the week are now renamed to: Thisday - Thatday – Otherday – Someday –Yesterday -Today and Nextday.  Furthermore, if you’ve completely lost the plot, then this Otherday is Bank Holiday Friday.

So now you know!

Copious amounts of businesses are suffering financial trauma because of this pandemic lockdown, quarantine, wash-your-hands, stay safe gubbins! A Tameside bra manufacturer has gone bust, a Glossopdale submarine company has gone under, a dog kennel in Stalybridge has had to call in the retrievers, a florist in Oldham is pruning its business and in Mottram, a firm selling paper for Origami enthusiasts has folded.

                                                       

I am so quarantine stir-crazy that I’m beginning to think that the light of my life is the one in the fridge. 

Apparently, this pandemic farrago is akin to Mount Rushmore, prior to it being originally carved. It was  unpresidented!

Thursday Quiz: (Q) How many Sid James impersonators does it take to change a light bulb? (A) Phoawr!

                                   

Darkness cannot drive out Darkness,

Only light can do that,

Hate cannot drive out hate,

Only love can do that.

My only day of employment during COVID 19....

Following COVID 19 lay off from work, I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store. After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day .

Here is my story...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

Here is her picture:

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The rancid harridan stopped screaming at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just fucking stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us".

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

www.ComedianUK.com