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Saturday, 6 June 2020

Wear a hand, wash your masks and safe alert!

The United Kingdom appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave of Covid 19 by keeping the first wave going!

I was most perturbed when my Wi-Fi suddenly stopped working yesterday. I then realised that my neighbour Barmy Albert has been laid off work and has no disposable income whatsoever. He’s potless! Because of this, he has not paid his BT bill. What an irresponsible attitude people have these days. Luckily, I guessed the password for the folks who’ve been furloughed next door but one. Result!

Does anyone know if we can have a bath or a shower yet, or are we still just washing our hands? I need to know because I’m off out next Wednesday putting the wheelie bin out.


Fascinating Fact: Did you know that there are two types of Tory voter.  The millionaires and the misguided. To find out which one you are, just look in your wallet.  Personally, I keep a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It’s a constant reminder of why there’s no flippin’ money in there!

Police say they are baffled as to why the commemorative blue plaque keeps going missing from outside Colgate's Head Office....


Are you skint because of this situation? Then why not do some forward planning for Christmas by telling the kids that  Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic. Oh! Don’t forget that the Tooth Fairy turned her toes up as well!

I was languishing in line outside B & Q at The Snipe yesterday, when Non Stick Nora phoned me and enquired:  ” How massive is the queue?”  I sez: “It looks like it’s about the same size as the B!”

Have you lost track of what day it is during lockdown?  Take note that days of the week are now renamed to: Thisday - Thatday – Otherday – Someday –Yesterday -Today and Nextday.  Furthermore, if you’ve completely lost the plot, then this Otherday is Bank Holiday Friday.
So now you know!

Copious amounts of businesses are suffering financial trauma because of this pandemic lockdown, quarantine, wash-your-hands, stay safe gubbins! A Tameside bra manufacturer has gone bust, a Glossopdale submarine company has gone under, a dog kennel in Stalybridge has had to call in the retrievers, a florist in Oldham is pruning its business and in Mottram, a firm selling paper for Origami enthusiasts has folded.


I am so quarantine stir-crazy that I’m beginning to think that the light of my life is the one in the fridge. 

Apparently, this pandemic farrago is akin to Mount Rushmore, prior to it being originally carved. It was  unpresidented!

Thursday Quiz: (Q) How many Sid James impersonators does it take to change a light bulb? (A) Phoawr!


Darkness cannot drive out Darkness,

Only light can do that,

Hate cannot drive out hate,

Only love can do that.

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