The Perpetrator of Terminological Inexactitudes ....

                                

This woman sauntered out of Iceland and a packet of frozen fish fell out of her carrier bag and dropped onto the tarmacadam. So I picked it up and bunged it in our shopping trolley. The missus sez: "That doesn't belong to us; give it back to that lady". "Findus Kippers", I replied.

                                       

The next person who asks me for orange juice mixed with alcohol, strawberries, angostura bitters and a twist of lemon is going to get a punch!

                                  

DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...



Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora “I honestly don’t understand cloning.” Nora replied: “That makes two of us!"
                                                  

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So he took the battery out of the smoke alarm.



As I was perambulating up Scropton Street, I spotted that the local pizza shop had a sign in the window - "50% off all 18 inch pizzas". Surely that's just a nine inch pizza?



I'm currently building a time machine so I can travel fifty years into the future and see if Wagon Wheels are the size of five pence pieces. I bought a De Lorean, however, I only drive it from time to time...

                                               

I came home from the golf club yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden, whilst the local fire brigade were dousing the flames in our kitchenette. I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?" "What could you have done?" she asked. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got a bite to eat there."



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica, where do they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!

                                    

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

                                

The Problematic Repercussions....

                                                 

Has anybody had any problematic repercussions from the aggregation of bleeding-edge systems by simply integrating one-to-one initiatives thereby syndicating real-time associations by targeting mission-critical swivelling eyeballs are then accomplished without any resistance to the metaphors that appertain to the imbibing bodies? Did it yesterday and there’s all thick acrid black smoke and a pong that emanates akin to a Gwyneth Paltrow candle billowing out of the transportation vessel. Asking for a fiend...

Accordion to a recent study which was conducted by Manchester Metropolitan University, eight out of ten people fail to notice when a word in a sentence has been replaced by a musical instrument. Fascinating!


                                                     

I was sauntering down Scropton Street with the missus, when she suddenly opined: “Look at that couple over there. Look how tactile they are. He keeps smiling and holding her hand, nibbling her ears, kissing her, holding the door open for her. Why can’t you do the same?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “Are you crazy? I barely know the woman!”

                             

Went to a French restaurant in Manchester. I sez to the waiter; “ May I see the menu please?” He replied: “May we.” I said; “Sorry, may we see the menu please?”


                                     

Sometimes, you have to use your perspicacity and ingenuity. Imagine this scenario and insert your own Elizabethan expletive(s) where necessary: An 8 year old boy called Tommy and his 6 year old brother Stevie are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” declares Tommy, “I think it's about time we started swearing.” Little Stevie nods his head in approval, so Tommy continues: “When we go downstairs for brekkie, I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?” "Okay," Stevie agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. 'Oh, ********** mummy, I don't know. I reckon that I’ll have some ********* Coco-Pops. TWHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at little Stevie and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"  “Dunno. But it certainly won't be ******** Coco Pops!”


                                           

Fascinating Fact: Hank Marvin is surprisingly very famous for someone who has spent most of his life in The Shadows.


                               

A bloke approaches the box office window of the cinema with a chicken under his arm, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he cannot take a chicken into the cinema, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his trousers and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out, get some air and watch the filum. Sitting next to him is 89 year old Agnes. She elbows fellow octogenarian Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his kecks!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, just ignore him. Don't worry about it. When you've seen one, you've seen ‘em all." Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this ones eating my popcorn!''




                                         

Thursday Thought: “A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.” ― Hunter S. Thompson

                             

Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and knaves. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Bamboozled by Technology?

                                             

Are you bamboozled by technology? I most certainly am. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s virtually  impossible to beat my computer at chess. However, kick boxing is another matter...

                                     

DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...

                         

                                 

This bloke comes home early from work, only to discover his best friend in bed with his wife. Anger took over and he got a gun and shot him dead! His wife looked up at him in a bewildered fashion and exclaimed, “If you carry on like this, you’re gonna have no friends left.” It just goes to show that every woman has a little Marilyn inside of her. You just have to find out if it's Monroe or Manson!

                                 

Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora “I honestly don’t understand cloning.” Nora replied: “That makes two of us!"



What with all the globular warming and subsequent climate change gubbins, my neighbour has just bought one of those new fangled electric cars. It's a Volts-wagon. I wonder if you have to have a current license to drive it?

                                           

I had my first parachute jump over the weekend and I was absolutely petrified. This bloke strapped himself to me and we jumped out. As we plummeted in a downward spiral, he sez: "So how long have you been an instructor?"

                                                         

         

Art, Bart and Fargo are three regular characters who frequent my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife.’ They were languishing in the games room the other night enjoying a few pints of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when they decided to participate in the weekly raffle. They bought five £1 tickets apiece, upon seeing it was for the ‘Unknown Warriors Mother Fund’ charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they had each won a prize! Art won the first prize - a bottle of malt whiskey. Bart was the winner of the second prize – A magnum of champagne. And Fargo won the tenth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Fargo asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Bart "I love malt whiskey, but this Talisker is not quite as smoky as those found on Islay but still packs an enjoyable peaty punch.” “ I simply adore champagne, however, this bottle of Moet Rosé was wildly refreshing with an intense strawberry aroma and notes of red fruit and fresh pear," exclaimed Art. "And how's the bog brush, Fargo?" "Not very good," Fargo replied, "I reckon I'll go back to Andrex..."

                                                         

Thursday Thought: A teacher affects eternity; He can never tell where his influence stops. Henry Brooks Adams

                                       

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position, and strike the pose dude!

The Veganuary Syndrome....

                                          

Now, we can all try this. Firstly, shave your head, then if you put your thumb in your ear, then stick your index finger up one of your nostrils and then your middle finger in your gob, you’ll find you can pretend your head is a ten pin bowling ball. Now, try and get a strike!

                                           

Yesterday, I had the good fortune to meet Bruce Lee's vegan brother. His name is Brocco Lee. I hear on the grapevine that Meat Loaf has gone vegan too and now wishes to be referred to as Malt Loaf. How can you ascertain exactly who is a vegan? You don’t have to. They’ll tell you! Moreover, veganism is now recognised as a philosophical belief in a court of law. The defendant in a recent case stated under oath:” I think, therefore I yam....”

                                          

Just been in B&Q and there was a massive sign that bore the legend ‘Stainless Steel Sinks.’ I thought to myself: ‘I already know that!’ Then to compound an already absurd scenario, there bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then?

                                      

I noticed this in my local newspaper small ads: We are a bijou and exclusive restaurant in the centre of Tameside and are looking for stand-up comedians to perform in our main room to promote their material and maybe sell their CD's. This is not a regular gig, but only for special events which will hopefully turn into a nightly event, in due course, if we get positive response. Lots of observational comedy is required and no political or racist humour would be acceptable. Are you interested in promoting your work? Then get in touch and let us know, by return.

                                         I replied thus: Happy New Year 2020! I am a professional comedian, domiciled in a large house and I'm searching for a suitable restaurant proprietor to attend my gaff in order to promote his/her fine-dining outlet by making dinner for me and all my mates. This is not a regular gig but only for special functions which will eventually turn into a regular event, providing I get some excellent feedback from all my venerable associates. I would stress that it's definitely unacceptable for any of your staff who voted Remain or may have supported a second referendum. If you're genuinely interested in promoting your business, then I urge you to contact me by return, forthwith, at your earliest possible convenience.

                                   

Thursday Thought: You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you...



                                              

If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t wanna do summat, you’ll find an excuse. Why don’t you find a way to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and don’t make any excuses! Now, get back to work!

                                                               

The Big Gig!

                                            

I noticed this in my local newspaper classified free ads: 

We are a bijou and exclusive restaurant in the centre of Tameside and we are looking for stand-up comedians to perform in our  main room to promote their material and maybe sell their CD's. This is not a  regular gig, but only for special occasions which will hopefully turn into a weekly event, in due course, if we get positive response. Lots of observational comedy is required and no political or racist humour would be acceptable.  

Are you interested in promoting your work? Then get in touch and let us know, by return.

                                          

                                 

I replied thus:

Happy New Year 2020! I am a professional comedian, domiciled in a large house and I'm searching for a suitable restaurant proprietor to attend my gaff in order to promote his/her fine-dining outlet by  making dinner for me and and all my mates. This is not a regular gig but only  for special functions which will eventually turn into a weekly event, providing I get some excellent feedback from all my venerable associates. I would stress that it's definitely unacceptable for any of your staff who voted Remain or may have supported Corbyn and/or any Labour Party anti-Semitic propaganda or indeed a second referendum.

If you're genuinely interested in promoting  your business, then I urge you to contact me by return, forthwith, at your earliest possible convenience.
www.ComedianUK.com

                       

                         

                             

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Twelve Reasons That The New Year Party Is Over....

                    

1) You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2) Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3) You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

4) You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

5) You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

6) You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7) You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

8) You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the wardrobe.

9) You refill your glass from the fish tank.

10) You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.

11) You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

12) You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realise you're in front of the hall mirror.