The Dog Food Diet....

                       

Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirates flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo? So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form. I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid things to say.

                                           

Thought for Thursday: I reckon that whoever dreamed up the word Wednesday, must have had summat to do with the word February as well.


                                 

Not so long ago, on the petrol forecourt, I used to put 20p in the machine to put air in my tyres. Skip forward to today and I have just had to insert a £1 coin. Talk about inflation!


                                   

Last night, a bloke came off his motorbike right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around him, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No. He’s got my pizza!”

                                 

Apparently, if your girlfriend or wife ever says summat like: "If anything ever happens to me, then I want you to meet someone new." ‘Anything’ doesn't include getting stuck in traffic on the M67.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This bloke threatened to hit me with his guitar!! I said "Is that a fret?"...


                                   

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this column for a start! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                       

The Argument....

                               

The missus and I were having an argument and we were both unwilling to admit we might be wrong. In an attempt to reconcile, she said to me, “I’ll admit I’m wrong, if you admit I’m right.” I agreed and being a gentleman, insisted she go first. “I’m wrong,” she sez. “You’re right!” I replied. That’s when the trouble started...



We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the wife and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!



I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!


                                       

‎When asked by a police traffic officer, “Do you know you were speeding?” The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: “Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going.” The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.


Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”





Thought for Thursday: We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.



Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                           

The Hospital Appointment....

                              

Barmy Albert went to the hospital for a check-up, because his doctor reckons that he has Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say at the moment. The austere receptionist asked him: “Can you confirm your date of birth?” Albert replied: “The 25th of June 1950.” To which the receptionist enquired: “And are you still at the same address?” Barmy Albert thought for a minute and sez: :” No, we moved to Dukinfield when I was eight.” You couldn’t make it up! Could you?


                                        

The missus suggested that we play some sexy games, to spice up our virtually non-existent love life. “What kind of games?” I asked her. “Let’s play Doctors and Nurses!” she breathlessly exclaimed. So I put her on a trolley and left her in the corridor for two days....


                                        

She threatened to leave me because I scoffed far too much chocolate over the Christmas holidays. I reckon this calls for a Celebration (or two!).


                                

A school reunion led to a group of blokes deciding to meet up every decade. They were all turning 40 and discussed where they should meet up for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck in the town centre because the waitresses wore mini-skirts and were really attractive. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck again because the waitresses were pleasant and very attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck once more, because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet yet again at The Dog & Duck because the place was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck, primarily because they had never been there before...


                                

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com



                                           

The Ticket...

                                               

Barmy Albert got a free ticket to Manchester United from his company, because he worked over Christmas. Unfortunately, when Albert arrives at the stadium, he realises the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, not a good place.. At half-time, Albert sees through his binoculars an empty seat in The Sir Alex Ferguson Stand right on the halfway line. He decides to grasp the nettle and take a chance, making his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Albert asks the bloke sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The fella sez, "Nope." Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Albert again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this in The Alex Ferguson Stand at Old Trafford and not use it?!" The guy replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Man Utd game we haven't been to together, since we got married back in 1977." "Well, that's really sad," said Albert, "but still, couldn't you find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral”

                         

I was given Paddy McGuinness’s DVD for a Christmas prezzie and it's brilliant. It's stopped the kitchen table rocking.


                         

Thought for Thursday: Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's absolutely no point in two people remembering the same thing, is there?


                                         

Fascinating Fact: Any bloke has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste, toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Travelodge. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 237. No man will be able to identify most of these items.


                               

Can you recollect where you were two years ago at exactly 12.45 PM today? I most certainly can. I was in Wetherspoons and the barman asked me if I had just visited the dentist. I replied: “Yes, how did you know?” He sez: “It’s that sticker on your shirt that says ‘I Was Brave’....”

                                 

Talk about dysfunctional families! My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came, I would go to the door and say, “Shintin.” She ran off with the milkman when I was younger. Watching them drive away on his float was the worst three hours of my life. Then my dad became very ill after eating an orange that was contaminated with mercury. On a hot day he was ten foot, two inches tall, whereas in winter, we could never find him.



                         

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                                 

The Movie Quiz.....

Try this mathematical film test. It's pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.

                            

This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favourite. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Don't cheat and look at the film list till you have done the maths!


Here goes...

Film Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below.

Film List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Gay Anal Fisting
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

                                                

Forty-Two Thoughts For 2018.....

                             

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years.
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.
6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", You can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - food, attractive people and danger.
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odour.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell!!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.
23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts and things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

                             

HNY2U2 Folks!

                               

In 2018, the government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

                                 

On the above basis, I’ve always reckoned that the female of the species would make an excellent soccer referee. Imagine the scenario, the ref blows the whistle for a foul. The player duly remonstrates and asks the referee to clarify this wholly unwarranted decision. “What was that for ref?” The lady ref simply puts her hands on her hips and declares: “If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you....”

                                           

Barmy Albert went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house on New Year’s Eve. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" Albert replied. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking up the missus. I've been trying to do that for donkey’s years!"


                                     

My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.


                                     

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.
                                                 

Over Chrithmuth, for some hunown reeson, I've never yet won a gaim of skrabel!..



                             

Twelve Reasons That The New Year Party Is Over::

1)You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2) Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3) You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

4) You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

5) You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

6) You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7) You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

8) You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the wardrobe.

9) You refill your glass from the fish tank.

10) You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.

11) You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

12) You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realise you're in front of the hall mirror.


                             

Happy New 2018! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. Make a resolution to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com    And email me forthwith: comedianuk@sky.com All the cool kidz are at it!