Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirates flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo? So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form. I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid things to say.
Thought for Thursday: I reckon that whoever dreamed up the word Wednesday, must have had summat to do with the word February as well.
Not so long ago, on the petrol forecourt, I used to put 20p in the machine to put air in my tyres. Skip forward to today and I have just had to insert a £1 coin. Talk about inflation!
Last night, a bloke came off his motorbike right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around him, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No. He’s got my pizza!”
Apparently, if your girlfriend or wife ever says summat like: "If anything ever happens to me, then I want you to meet someone new." ‘Anything’ doesn't include getting stuck in traffic on the M67.
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
This bloke threatened to hit me with his guitar!! I said "Is that a fret?"...
Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this column for a start! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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