Barmy Albert went to the hospital for a check-up, because his doctor reckons that he has Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say at the moment. The austere receptionist asked him: “Can you confirm your date of birth?” Albert replied: “The 25th of June 1950.” To which the receptionist enquired: “And are you still at the same address?” Barmy Albert thought for a minute and sez: :” No, we moved to Dukinfield when I was eight.” You couldn’t make it up! Could you?
The missus suggested that we play some sexy games, to spice up our virtually non-existent love life. “What kind of games?” I asked her. “Let’s play Doctors and Nurses!” she breathlessly exclaimed. So I put her on a trolley and left her in the corridor for two days....
She threatened to leave me because I scoffed far too much chocolate over the Christmas holidays. I reckon this calls for a Celebration (or two!).
A school reunion led to a group of blokes deciding to meet up every decade. They were all turning 40 and discussed where they should meet up for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck in the town centre because the waitresses wore mini-skirts and were really attractive. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck again because the waitresses were pleasant and very attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck once more, because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet yet again at The Dog & Duck because the place was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at The Dog & Duck, primarily because they had never been there before...
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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