The Season...

                           

The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Childhood recollections: When I was a little kid, my father only ever hit me once but I'll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina.


                                               

I went to the doctors today to get my test results. He said, "I'm not going to sugar coat it"
"Why not?" I asked, "Is it summat serious?" "No, it's diabetes!” I saw Barmy Albert in the doctor’s waiting room. He curtly informed me that that he had the worst case of haemorrhoids that the doctor had ever seen in 40 years of being a GP. I asked him if that was why he was sat on a bean bag. Albert gazed at me, with eyes like burning embers and replied: “Have another look....”


The doctor told me to take up an activity that would keep me out of the pub. So I’ve started smoking...

                                                

We went to see Disney on Ice. Neither of us was impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer...



I sez to the wife, "It looks like Angela Merkel has got a fourth term and we're lumbered with Theresa May." She replied, "It's a good thing that is. If women ruled the world, there'd be no more wars." I sez, "Yeah, that's very true, because wars require logic and strategy." Unless your name is Kim Jong Un, that is....



Tesco Shepherds Pie: Right! I've removed my sleeve and filmed it. What next?


                                    

 


The phone went yesterday; they’ll nick anything round here! Anyway, I digress. When I answered it, this voice proclaimed:"Hello, is that Mr Knight?” I sez: “Yes.” The voice declared: “This is The Official Receivers Office." I replied: "Are you winding me up?”

I get strange phone calls on a constant basis. On Monday, it was BT. The woman curtly informed yours truly, that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next 7 days, there were to disconnect the phone. I told her straight! I sez: “You’re bill is in a queue...” Mind you, British Gas told me that I had the BEST gas bill on my street. They told me that it was outstanding!


I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: Comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                       

The Ban....

                                             

Don’t you reckon that it is ironic that after his driving conviction, Wayne Rooney now has more points than Everton Football Club?

I was languishing in my local pub, the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last weekend, when Barmy Albert tottered in and proceeded to imbibe copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. "Is everything okay, matey?" I asked him. "Non-Stick Nora and me got into an argument about how to wash a flock mattress properly. It turned into a terrible bitter row and she swore blind that she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, I sez, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a bit of peace and quiet?" Albert gazed at me and opined: "Yeah, but today is the last day!”

Culinary confusion! I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Maybe I should have put it on aloha setting.

Women are so fickle! I came home the other day and the missus asked me if I could spare her a moment. She sez: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No!” She put her hand in her purse and brought out a £50 note, which was screwed up into a ball and placed it on the scullery table. She went on: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up? I replied: “Definitely not!” She then went into her handbag and produced a £20 note, also screwed up into a ball, which she placed on the table. She then asked me if I had ever seen £24,500 all screwed up. I sez: “Never in my lifetime!” She then asked me to go and have a look in the garage....
                                                   
So it just goes to show that a woman is a person that can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a dark bedroom, but can’t see the garage doors, with the headlamps on main beam!
                                               




                                                           

Thought for Thursday: If somebody says to you "it's not the money, it's the principle," then it's definitely the money...

Just ordered an Uber cab to take me to airport to catch my Ryanair flight to North Korea. Been planning this holiday for years. What can possibly go wrong?

At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, "If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline". So I phoned the number and told them; "I can't act either".

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                           

The Way Things Are....

           

The missus suggested we spice up our sex life by playing ‘Doctors and Nurses’, so I put her on a trolley and left her for two days in the corridor. She visited that there Anne Summers shop in Stockport and purchased some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. Well I don’t eat her cooking, so I’m not gonna eat her vest, am I? She sez: “If you take me upstairs with these handcuffs, you can handcuff me to the bed and do anything that you desire!” So I handcuffed her to the bed and went down Wetherspoons!

                                             

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were sauntering along Carnaby Street in London. Albert looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that immediately caught his eye. The sign bore the legend, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".    He sez to Nora:"Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Stalybridge, we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our northern accents, they might think we're daft and try to diddle us, so I’ll put on me best cockney accent." "No problem, Albert, I’ll keep me gob shut while you’re doing the business" replied Nora. They go in and Albert declared in a posh voice, "Hello my good chap, I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me van up ready to load ‘em ion." The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're northern folk, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Albert. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
                                                 

Quiz of the Week: How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and ask a grand for it.

I was seriously considering of upgrading and moving into a more expensive flat. But I don't have to now, as my landlord has put the rent up. When he told me he was raising the rent. I sez: “Thank God for that. I can’t!

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

                     

The Job...

After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful. I start a week last Monday.





Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Barmy Albert replies, 'God and I are okay.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's weeing in the fridge again!



During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old folks care home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?" He thinks I might have contracted Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, but it’s hard to say at the moment.



I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I replied, "Right! Mascara it is then....."





Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                        

The Break-Dancing Log....

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable! " A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said: "What she really said was: 666 136 429".

So the transfer window has closed and Chelsea have finally signed Danny Drinkwater.   Everton have ended up with Wayne Drinkdriver.

                               

Barmy Albert saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, Non-Stick Nora takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal!

                                     

I headed into Tesco yesterday for a quick shop. I was queuing at the checkout when I inadvertently dropped my ten quid note on the floor. The harridan in front of me (She had a face like a pirates flag) Picked it up and declared “Anything found on this hallowed earth are retained by the discoverer," then she just waltzed off! I was absolutely staggered and so was the checkout girl who looked just as amazed as me. I sez: "Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. Excuse me! That's my tenner, you’ve snaffled there!" The wretched woman possessed the brass neck to ignore me completely and sauntered off out of the store. Of course, I ended up following her out, because I couldn't believe the temerity of the woman. When she got to her car, she put her carrier bags on the ground to find her keys to open her car door, I casually walked up behind her and grabbed her bags of shopping and briskly walked off!!! The woman screamed at me “Oi! What’s your game then? Bring back my shopping, you thieving cretin!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I curtly informed her: “Anything found on this hallowed earth are retained by the discoverer,” As she followed me she was screaming, "Stop thief! Stop thief!” I quickly jumped into my Reliant Robin Interceptor, 3 litre Ghia Hatchback (Trans-Am, twin carb with stabilisers) whilst putting the bags in the front passenger seat, and then exited the car park with the window down guffawing inanely. Moreover, when I got home, I opened the shopping bags. There was a leg of lamb, asparagus, a cauliflower cheese, potato gratin, rib-eye steaks, a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, ground filter coffee, a whole lobster, profiteroles and a block of fine Roquefort cheese and a pack of crackers. Ace value for ten quid!

                                                 

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com