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Saturday, 23 September 2017

The Ban....


Don’t you reckon that it is ironic that after his driving conviction, Wayne Rooney now has more points than Everton Football Club?

I was languishing in my local pub, the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last weekend, when Barmy Albert tottered in and proceeded to imbibe copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. "Is everything okay, matey?" I asked him. "Non-Stick Nora and me got into an argument about how to wash a flock mattress properly. It turned into a terrible bitter row and she swore blind that she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, I sez, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a bit of peace and quiet?" Albert gazed at me and opined: "Yeah, but today is the last day!”

Culinary confusion! I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Maybe I should have put it on aloha setting.

Women are so fickle! I came home the other day and the missus asked me if I could spare her a moment. She sez: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No!” She put her hand in her purse and brought out a £50 note, which was screwed up into a ball and placed it on the scullery table. She went on: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up? I replied: “Definitely not!” She then went into her handbag and produced a £20 note, also screwed up into a ball, which she placed on the table. She then asked me if I had ever seen £24,500 all screwed up. I sez: “Never in my lifetime!” She then asked me to go and have a look in the garage....
So it just goes to show that a woman is a person that can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a dark bedroom, but can’t see the garage doors, with the headlamps on main beam!

Thought for Thursday: If somebody says to you "it's not the money, it's the principle," then it's definitely the money...

Just ordered an Uber cab to take me to airport to catch my Ryanair flight to North Korea. Been planning this holiday for years. What can possibly go wrong?

At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, "If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline". So I phoned the number and told them; "I can't act either".

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