At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable! " A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said: "What she really said was: 666 136 429".
So the transfer window has closed and Chelsea have finally signed Danny Drinkwater. Everton have ended up with Wayne Drinkdriver.
Barmy Albert saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, Non-Stick Nora takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal!
I headed into Tesco yesterday for a quick shop. I was queuing at the checkout when I inadvertently dropped my ten quid note on the floor. The harridan in front of me (She had a face like a pirates flag) Picked it up and declared “Anything found on this hallowed earth are retained by the discoverer," then she just waltzed off! I was absolutely staggered and so was the checkout girl who looked just as amazed as me. I sez: "Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. Excuse me! That's my tenner, you’ve snaffled there!" The wretched woman possessed the brass neck to ignore me completely and sauntered off out of the store. Of course, I ended up following her out, because I couldn't believe the temerity of the woman. When she got to her car, she put her carrier bags on the ground to find her keys to open her car door, I casually walked up behind her and grabbed her bags of shopping and briskly walked off!!! The woman screamed at me “Oi! What’s your game then? Bring back my shopping, you thieving cretin!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I curtly informed her: “Anything found on this hallowed earth are retained by the discoverer,” As she followed me she was screaming, "Stop thief! Stop thief!” I quickly jumped into my Reliant Robin Interceptor, 3 litre Ghia Hatchback (Trans-Am, twin carb with stabilisers) whilst putting the bags in the front passenger seat, and then exited the car park with the window down guffawing inanely. Moreover, when I got home, I opened the shopping bags. There was a leg of lamb, asparagus, a cauliflower cheese, potato gratin, rib-eye steaks, a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, ground filter coffee, a whole lobster, profiteroles and a block of fine Roquefort cheese and a pack of crackers. Ace value for ten quid!
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org
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