Calling all "celebs"! You still got 16 hours to kick the bucket!

                 

Non-Stick Nora decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking. Whereupon, her devoted husband Barmy Albert went out and bought her a brand new top-of-the range Sharp Microwave oven. Christmas approached and Nora got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients. She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture 'for good luck'. When Nora consulted the microwave's manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding. Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of two hours. As Nora was in the lounge watching her favourite Morecambe & Wise Christmas Special, she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave, nor did she hear the mini-explosions. When she finally extracted the pudding from the ding box after nearly two hours of cooking on 'High', it ponged of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar. Naturally, the Christmas pud was a disaster, so much so, that Nora could not even prod it with a fork. In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and Barmy Albert had to get a claw hammer to prize it from its base. In a fit of pique, Nora threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to Alfie, her Shih-Tzu puppy. After a few days she could see the funny side, and Alfie loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him well into the New Year. Moreover, Nora and Albert had a Brexit themed Christmas dinner this year, there was no Brussels.

                         

I was putting up the last of the Christmas decorations and I went and dropped the flamin’ box of drawing pins so I spent half-an-hour picking them up. I think I've found them all but just in case I haven't, I hid the wife's slippers!

                               

After a day fishing in the ocean a bloke is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by a Game Warden (who looks suspiciously like Blakey from ‘On The Buses’) asks him for his fishing licence. The fisherman informs the warden: "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day. Friends with lobsters? The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a licence. The fisherman turns to the warden and says: "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says: "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and sez: "What lobsters?"



                   

                     

In 2017, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!    

                                 

Technology! Doncha just luvvit?

                                           

Last Christmas, I got my daughter an iPad, the missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iron! She wasn’t pleased. Especially when I told her it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and the iClean apps. It switched on the iNag and turned off the iShag! But that’s technology for you!



I would like to share a personal experience with all my readers about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. On Christmas Eve, I was out for an evening with Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora at my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, then we went into Staley-Vegas to a night club, had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before, I took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police road check but, since it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.


Grandad decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become a chore. All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a crisp £10 note.  On each card he wrote: 'Happy Christmas Grandad' P.S. 'Buy your own present!'  Now, while Grandad enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant. It preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a several £10 notes.. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards!

Fascinating Fact: Advent calendars are rapidly losing their popularity. I reckon that their days are numbered.

I was watching ‘Santa Claus the Movie’ yesterday, when suddenly, the missus walked in, pressed the eject button, then took the DVD out and went back into the scullery. I asked, "Why did you do that?" She sez, "The instructions on this Bolognese pasta clearly says, remove film before placing in oven.”

At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.



Thought for Thursday: Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?


Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December, when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                

One-Liners....

                                       

• Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas. Mark Nelson
• I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward. Tom Stade
• He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ‘ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books. Tommy Cooper
• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray. Jimmy Carr
•We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience schools. Austin Knight
• My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray
• Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me. Stewart Francis
• My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious. Fin Taylor
• I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. Paddy Lennox
• For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved. Sara Pascoe
• I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Stephen Grant
• I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nick Helm
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. Tommy Cooper
• I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy. Rebecca Humphries
• The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live. Jonny Lennard
• If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians. Jim Campbell
• A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought ‘That’s a turtle disaster’. Tommy Cooper
• I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust. Tim Vine
• Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski
• You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon. Sara Pascoe
• My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. Mark Watson
• So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’. Tommy Cooper
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! Stewart Francis
• I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. Tommy Cooper
• My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart Masai Graham
• I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake. Phil Mann
• This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ Tim Vine

The Seven Dwarfs of the Menopause....

                                 

Took the kid to the Christmas pantomime. Apparently, Walt Disney owns the rights to the names of the the Dwarves. Most productions have to change the names, to avoid paying royalties. In our panto they had The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause. There was: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Psycho, Bloated, Forgetful and Snapper.



It gladdened my soul to see the Salvation Army band playing Christmas carols in the Town Hall Square last night. I threw a few coins in the collection and a little old lady threw a fiver in! “Thank you very much ma’am" sez the conductor "Because of your generosity, you can have any hymn you want" "I'll have him over there on the trumpet!" she replied.



Mary Berry Christmas Recipe Book! I tried to make octopus soup, yesterday, but it turned out to be an absolute disaster! It took me well over an hour to get the ambidextrous critter in the pan and then when I put it on the hob, the little devil kept turning the gas off!

                                       

A travel agent looked up from his desk on Christmas Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a cracking week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing perplexed me. Who was that smelly old bloke that I had to share the room with?"



It was Christmas Eve, when a copper stopped a Scouser coming out of Currys PC World. “I have reason to believe that you have been shoplifting, so I’m going to perform a search. Now tell me, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?” The Scouser replied, “No, officer. Only Sony and Panasonic!”



With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website:www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
Now, get back to work!

                             

Have a Confucius Christmas!

   

Confucius Say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,but don't let a kiss fool you.



Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.



Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.



Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom is called a daddy.



Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.



Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.



Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ...a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.



Confucius Say:
It is much better to want mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.



Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex. Neither iany good if you don't get it.





Confucius Say:


If you screw secretary on table top, she becomes part of office furniture.



Confucius probably never said……


Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

Man uses many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise Man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.



Woman with skirt up runs faster than man with pants down.


And, Confucius definitely did not say. . .


"Lion will not cheat on wife, but Tiger Wood!”



Neither did he ever say....



“Man who showers with lifebouy after impregnation won’t avoid partner pregnant with boy”.

The Christmas Crackeroony!

                        

                   


The countdown is on! Marks And Spencers new TV advertisement states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're quite correct too! Without M & S it would spell ‘Chrita’.



I was at a Christmas party when the DJ suddenly announced, “All the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living”. The barman was nearly crushed to death! The barman said to me: "Your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" I looked at him and replied, "Why would l want two empty glasses?"





This bloke called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr

Scroggins. I need you to bury my wife." "Mr. Scroggins? Mr Bert Scroggins?"

"Yes, that's correct." "Didn't I bury your wife ten years ago?" the undertaker asked.

"I got married again," the bloke sobbed. "Oh!" replied the undertaker. "Congratulations!"


                          

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? It goes in one ear and straight out of the other." This always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. I took her to my local pub disco at The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the whole nine yards. The missus turned to me and sez, "See that fella over there, twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I replied, "It looks like he's still flamin’ celebrating!"



Popped into a cafe on the High Street yesterday. I shouted over the waitress and curtly informed her, "This all-day breakfast is stone cold." She replied, "Well what did you expect? It's been there all day!"

                                         
Teacher asks 9 year old Ben in class, “Spell the word ‘Straight.’ Ben answers, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T, miss.” “Correct, now what does it mean?” enquired the teacher. Ben thought for a moment and replied, “Without water, miss”.



Thought for Thursday: There is no pleasure in having nothing whatsoever to do; the real fun is in having loads to do and not doing it...



My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour." I said, “I’m only joking, your present is under the tree." "Ooh what is it?" She said excitedly. "A root" I replied.





This whimsical Christmastide column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, tinselly tonsils, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than Santa’s elves. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com