Britain's Got Talent!

The missus has somehow managed to get a ladder down her tights. She really must be the most prolific shoplifter that has ever graced the hallowed aisles of B&Q! They had a banner up in B&Q. It read: ‘Stainless Steel Sinks.’ I thought, “I already know that.” A lot of these retail outlets display signs that state the obvious, they really must reckon that the general public are a shower of utter morons. For example, whilst meandering down the High Street yesterday, a sign in the jewellers window bore the legend, ‘Watch Batteries Replaced Here’. I went into the shop and said to the owner, “Go on then....”

Britain’s Got Talent! After much intensive training, I have now taught my puppy dog Alfie, to play the bugle on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour. I think we could take this act on the road!

Bert Grabknuckle, a dear old friend, who I have known for many years, sadly passed away last week. I went to visit his missus yesterday. I sez, "Look on the positive side, at least he's not suffering anymore." She replied, "He wasn't ill, he died very suddenly." I said, "I’m aware of that. What I meant was being married to you." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!

After many years of responding to copious advertisements in my local paper and being furious that I received no response whatsoever, I have truly been enlightened. Especially, now that I have found out what the word ‘Obituary’ actually means.



Men often misinterpret exactly what women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, so they are. Exercise extreme caution! Now read on: The wife phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: “Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”



Q) What does Wigan have in common with Las Vegas?

A) In both places, you can get sex in return for chips.



This outrageous humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                         

Je Suis Jeremy Clarkson!

     

Jeremy Clarkson went over the top on Comic Relief Day. He gave the producer a red nose!
Although he has been sacked from Top Gear, he will now be presenting ‘It’s A Knockout!’
I can envisage next year’s 2016 Top Gear Calendar, Clarkson and Hammond won’t appear, but May will be in!



I've just been reading that, by law, you have to have your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. This has got me thinking. "Who the hell is gonna let me know when it's raining in Sweden?" Or was it Swindon? I’m not sure now, but it is raining, so it is.



In my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife: Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora: "Does it bother you that I've slept with 57 women?" "Of course it does." she replied. "But why?" he asked. She said, "Because it was 52 last month."



Q) What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? (A) Short.



I asked the missus (Or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) to describe me in five words. She sez, “I’m mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect!” Then she curtly informed me: “Furthermore, You also have a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.”



Fascinating Fact: Caffeine makes folk really aggressive. Last night I had eight pints of Stella Artois in Wetherspoons and the missus consumed two cups of coffee at home. You should've seen how annoyed and argumentative she was when I got back!

I went to see a psychiatrist. I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman." He replied, "Right. Just pull your trousers down for me." I said, "Definitely not!"He told me: "You're definitely a woman!"



Two coppers call the police station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?” "Yes, it is. Wassup?” "We have a situation here. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped clean.” "Have you arrested the woman?” "No sir. The floor is still wet."



The most difficult aspect of joining an association like Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem. Having a phobia can be a threat to the human condition. I was addicted to the Hokey-Cokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.



The chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I’m dropping this solid gold coin into this glass of hydrochloric acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," a student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the gold coin won’t dissolve." "Because if it would, you wouldn’t have dropped it in."






Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com


                   

What A Woman Really Wants....

                 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So,the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? … What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered …. is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day …. or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT…. make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now …. what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way ....

Things are gonna get ugly.....

                             

Eleven Step Guide To Being Handy Around The House....

                           

This year, Easter and April Fool’s Day fall on the same week. So you can send the kids on an egg hunt to find eggs that you haven’t hidden! Last year, we went to see probably the worst faith healer in the whole world. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out! Usually, on Bank Holidays there’s always the inevitable trip to B & Q, because the missus wants a shelf putting up, or a light fitting taken down. You may as well do these DIY jobs yourself. Sometimes, bringing in a tradesperson is a total waste of time, so it is. Last week, I gave an odd-job man a list of 8 jobs to do. When I got back, he’d only done 1, 3, 5 and 7.

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip,
it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing
are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm
and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!

5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if
the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while 

taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.


8. Regardless of what people say, punching, smashing, battering and throwing sometimes
does help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.


I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Hmmmm. Fascinating innit?


Advertisement in my local paper: Missing Budgie. Very intelligent. Can speak five languages. Joey, if you're reading this, please come home.


If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comedian Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                           

Miliband Gubbins....

Ed Miliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Miliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Miliband. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Miliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Miliband searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other Labour MPs was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Miliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'

           

International Women's Day!

           

Yesterday was International Women’s Day. It was supposed to be the day before, but they weren’t ready in time. I shouted upstairs to the missus, “How much longer are you gonna be?” She yelled back,” I told you an hour ago, I’ll only be five minutes!”

Exercise extreme caution on them there dating websites. For instance, if someone describes themselves as 'Outdoorsy', they may just be homeless...

This couple from a travelling circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills". There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply. So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for. "It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".


During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and etiquette, asked her kids the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: 'Excuse me, I need to go and point Percy at the porcelain.' The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Jack, how would you say it?' Jack said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bog. I'll be back in a minute.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word ‘bog’ at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.


There is a bloke on my street, who has been featured in the "Guinness Book of Records" for having suffered an amazing forty-six concussions! He lives very close to my house, in fact, he is just a stone’s throw away.

Old habits die hard, so they say. I always carry a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me why there’s no flamin’ money in there, so it does...

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

                     

The Narnia Chronicles....

   

It is imperative for all us lads to remember, that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some
females are oversensitive and there’s nothing more infuriating than a petulant female.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with the missus, (I call her ‘Narnia’, because she has hair like a lion, looks like a witch and she is the size of a wardrobe). When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Narnia to get a full-time job, both for extra income and primarily beer tokens.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the restaurant at the club, so eating out is not an option. I’m ready for some home cooked grub when I get home. It’s not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. She starts work early (she is a Gritter over Woodhead) I really think my experience as an entertainer helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do, in a jocular fashion; it’s one of my strong points. Now that she has gotten older, (she has a face like a pirate’s flag) she does seem to get tired so much more quickly.

Our washer and dryer are in the cellar. Sometimes she says she just
can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes all the laundry the next evening, I’m willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday’s or Saturday’s lap-dancing club, or to Tuesday’s or Thursday’s bowling, or summat like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. It’s all a matter of getting her chores into perspective. When she’s taking out the rubbish, she remonstrates that it is too heavy, so I advise her to make three trips. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her at all (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!