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Sunday, 15 March 2015

Eleven Step Guide To Being Handy Around The House....


This year, Easter and April Fool’s Day fall on the same week. So you can send the kids on an egg hunt to find eggs that you haven’t hidden! Last year, we went to see probably the worst faith healer in the whole world. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out! Usually, on Bank Holidays there’s always the inevitable trip to B & Q, because the missus wants a shelf putting up, or a light fitting taken down. You may as well do these DIY jobs yourself. Sometimes, bringing in a tradesperson is a total waste of time, so it is. Last week, I gave an odd-job man a list of 8 jobs to do. When I got back, he’d only done 1, 3, 5 and 7.

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip,
it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing
are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm
and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!

5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if
the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while 
taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, punching, smashing, battering and throwing sometimes
does help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Hmmmm. Fascinating innit?

Advertisement in my local paper: Missing Budgie. Very intelligent. Can speak five languages. Joey, if you're reading this, please come home.

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comedian Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! You can email me:


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