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Monday 9 March 2015

International Women's Day!


Yesterday was International Women’s Day. It was supposed to be the day before, but they weren’t ready in time. I shouted upstairs to the missus, “How much longer are you gonna be?” She yelled back,” I told you an hour ago, I’ll only be five minutes!”

Exercise extreme caution on them there dating websites. For instance, if someone describes themselves as 'Outdoorsy', they may just be homeless...

This couple from a travelling circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills". There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply. So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for. "It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and etiquette, asked her kids the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: 'Excuse me, I need to go and point Percy at the porcelain.' The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Jack, how would you say it?' Jack said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bog. I'll be back in a minute.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word ‘bog’ at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.

There is a bloke on my street, who has been featured in the "Guinness Book of Records" for having suffered an amazing forty-six concussions! He lives very close to my house, in fact, he is just a stone’s throw away.

Old habits die hard, so they say. I always carry a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me why there’s no flamin’ money in there, so it does...

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website or email me: Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


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