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Sunday, 22 March 2015
Je Suis Jeremy Clarkson!
Jeremy Clarkson went over the top on Comic Relief Day. He gave the producer a red nose!
Although he has been sacked from Top Gear, he will now be presenting ‘It’s A Knockout!’
I can envisage next year’s 2016 Top Gear Calendar, Clarkson and Hammond won’t appear, but May will be in!
I've just been reading that, by law, you have to have your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. This has got me thinking. "Who the hell is gonna let me know when it's raining in Sweden?" Or was it Swindon? I’m not sure now, but it is raining, so it is.
In my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife: Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora: "Does it bother you that I've slept with 57 women?" "Of course it does." she replied. "But why?" he asked. She said, "Because it was 52 last month."
Q) What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? (A) Short.
I asked the missus (Or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) to describe me in five words. She sez, “I’m mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect!” Then she curtly informed me: “Furthermore, You also have a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.”
Fascinating Fact: Caffeine makes folk really aggressive. Last night I had eight pints of Stella Artois in Wetherspoons and the missus consumed two cups of coffee at home. You should've seen how annoyed and argumentative she was when I got back!
I went to see a psychiatrist. I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman." He replied, "Right. Just pull your trousers down for me." I said, "Definitely not!"He told me: "You're definitely a woman!"
Two coppers call the police station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?” "Yes, it is. Wassup?” "We have a situation here. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped clean.” "Have you arrested the woman?” "No sir. The floor is still wet."
The most difficult aspect of joining an association like Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem. Having a phobia can be a threat to the human condition. I was addicted to the Hokey-Cokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I’m dropping this solid gold coin into this glass of hydrochloric acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," a student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the gold coin won’t dissolve." "Because if it would, you wouldn’t have dropped it in."
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! email@example.com
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