Britain's Got Talent!

The missus has somehow managed to get a ladder down her tights. She really must be the most prolific shoplifter that has ever graced the hallowed aisles of B&Q! They had a banner up in B&Q. It read: ‘Stainless Steel Sinks.’ I thought, “I already know that.” A lot of these retail outlets display signs that state the obvious, they really must reckon that the general public are a shower of utter morons. For example, whilst meandering down the High Street yesterday, a sign in the jewellers window bore the legend, ‘Watch Batteries Replaced Here’. I went into the shop and said to the owner, “Go on then....”

Britain’s Got Talent! After much intensive training, I have now taught my puppy dog Alfie, to play the bugle on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour. I think we could take this act on the road!

Bert Grabknuckle, a dear old friend, who I have known for many years, sadly passed away last week. I went to visit his missus yesterday. I sez, "Look on the positive side, at least he's not suffering anymore." She replied, "He wasn't ill, he died very suddenly." I said, "I’m aware of that. What I meant was being married to you." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!

After many years of responding to copious advertisements in my local paper and being furious that I received no response whatsoever, I have truly been enlightened. Especially, now that I have found out what the word ‘Obituary’ actually means.



Men often misinterpret exactly what women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, so they are. Exercise extreme caution! Now read on: The wife phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: “Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”



Q) What does Wigan have in common with Las Vegas?

A) In both places, you can get sex in return for chips.



This outrageous humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!