Why beer makes you smarter....

Dogs-V-Cats...

                              Dogs do things one way, and cats another.

How a dog steals food.

                                          How a cat steals food.

                                          Wanna go walkies?

                                          When a dog annoys a cat...

                                          When a cat annoys a dog....

                                               Cat at 6 am on a Sunday morning...

                                                   Dog at 6 am on a Sunday morning....

Cats relationship with birds...

                                                         Dogs relationship with birds...

Dogs reaction to getting wet...

                                                             Cats reaction to getting wet...

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.

The Ten Jew Berry Muds?!?!

The following is a telephone exchange between myself and room service, at the Hyatt Park Hotel in Baku, Azerbajain.


Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbeez."


Me:: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


RS: "Rye..Roon sirbeez..morrin! Jewish to odour sumteen??"


Me: "Oh. Yes please, I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Owe July den?"

Me:: "What??"

RS: "Owe July den?...pried, bouyueded, percheded?"

Me:: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please. Oh, and can I have the bacon crispy"

RS:" Hokay. An Sahn toze?"

Me::"What?"

RS:"An toes. July sarn toze?"

Me::"I really don't think so!"

RS: "No? Judo wan sarn toze"

Me: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sarn toze' means?"

RS: "Toze! Toze!...Why jew don juan toze? Ow bow Anglish moppin wee Bhudda?"

Me: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "Wee Buddha?"

Me: "No...just put the Bhudda on the side."

RS: "Wad!?"

Me: "I mean butter, just put it on the side."

RS: "Coppy?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Coppy...tea...meel?"

Me: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "Juan Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin wee Bhudda on sigh and coppy....rye??"

Me: "Whatever you say!"

RS: "Ten jew berry muds."

                         

Should You Vote UKIP?

Musings Of An Addlepated Blatherer...

In Wetherspoons last night, me and my mates invented the Oscar Pistorius drinking game. Anytime anyone goes to the toilet, you have four quick shots...

A woman in the Tesco checkout queue collapsed and died right in front of me this morning. Ironic part about it was, she'd just bought a 'Bag for Life'....

When it comes to messing up the simplest of phrases, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag...

I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders. And if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....

I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo do they use in the shower. 98% of them said "How the f**k did you get in here?"

I tried to share a donner kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester last night. He told me to f**k off and buy my own.

Gary Barlow's new band is to be called 'Take That Back'......

The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

If you kill yourself, that's suicide. If you kill someone else, that's homicide. If you murder loads of people, that's genocide. If you haven't won a title for 24 years, that's Merseyside...

An average male will think about sex every five minge.....

Auto-correct is a pain in the arse! You always end up posting sum thong you didn't Nintendo!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                                      

Ask Ed Miliband (as told to Craig Brown) - positive thinking explained...

I really enjoyed this article I read in Daily Mail Plus

Ask Ed Miliband (as told to Craig Brown)

THE Labour leader answers all your questions on home maintenance. Part One: Putting up a shelf



DEAR ED, How should I go about putting up a shelf?


ED SAYS: Look, what I find when I talk to people up and down this country is a very deep sense of wanting to have bold answers to some very real problems and, yes, one of these very real problems is how to go about putting up a shelf.


So what I say is this. By all means let’s put up as many shelves as we want. But let’s make sure they stay up.


SO HOW exactly SHOULD I go about putting up that shelf, Ed?


TIME and time again, David Cameron has revealed himself totally incapable of putting up even the simplest of shelves.


So what I say is this. If you place anything on David Cameron’s shelves, from an egg-cup to a packet of Rice Krispies, they all come tumbling down. And what I say, quite clearly and boldly, is this: that’s simply not good enough.


So what I say is this. I’ve made it quite clear that the ordinary working people of this country require good, strong shelves — shelves that can hold not only an egg-cup but also a packet of Rice Krispies. Shelves that stand the test of time.


I HAVE a drill, some screws, a pencil, a hammer and a spirit level, Ed, and I’m ready to go. So what should I do now?


SO WHAT I say is this. This is what I say. What I say is not only this, but that. And that is what I say — as well as this. So what I say is both this and that.


Let’s face it, there’s a deep and profound sense of wanting to put up shelves in this country. And that’s as it should be. There’s no point having shelves if you can’t put them up. That’s why I believe we have the right answers to the whole question of putting up shelves.


And that’s why I’m relishing the chance to put those ideas into practice.


A drill, some screws, a pencil, a hammer and a spirit level. These are, I believe, essential items when it comes to the putting up of shelves. And that’s as it should be.


So what I say is this, and I make no apology: no one ever put up a successful shelf without first working out exactly how to do it.


And that’s why I’m calling for an independent assessment on the whole question of putting up shelves.


FIRST things first, Ed: should I hold the hammer by the wooden end or by the end with the harder, iron bit on it?

LOOK, the way I see it is this. We’ve got a hammer, and a hammer is internationally recognised as a superb device for putting up a shelf — but only when used in conjunction with other items, such as a drill, some screws and a pencil.

So what I say is this. We’ve got to be pragmatic and we’ve got to recognise that we must on no account hold that hammer by the wrong end. Because holding a hammer by the wrong end is no way to go about holding a hammer.

And why must we not hold that hammer by the wrong end? Because holding that hammer by the wrong end is not what we are about.

TO BE honest, Ed, I’d really like to start putting up that shelf as soon as possible. I’d be ever so grateful if you’d just tell me how to go about it.

FRANKLY, that’s not what they are telling me as I go up and down the country, listening to people. They’re saying that, yes, they want to put up a shelf, but they want us to tackle the whole shelf problem in a way that is effective not only for them but for the families of all hard-working people.

And people are also telling me that there are important questions to be answered not only about hammers and nails and spirit levels, but about the whole nature of shelves.


And so what I say is this. Yes, we do have a clear plan — and our plan is to clarify those plans so that we can plan for clarity. And that’s a very clear commitment for which I make no excuses.

But I also say this. This is what I also say. And what I say is this also.

If we find ourselves in a position in which it is necessary to make excuses, we are committed to lead the way with a bold agenda that says, yes, we are going to set about making those excuses with a bold new commitment. Because that is nothing more nor less than what the hard-working people of this country expect of us.

So what I say is this.

First, we must plan for shelves. And then — and only then — we must shelve our plans.


Daily Mail Plus is a great new app. Download it now by clicking the link below

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.anmedia.dailymail.kindlefire

Australian Love Poem....

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch another beer



brings a lump to your throat doesn't it!!

                             

0 to 50 in under 14 seconds....

"You never surprise me" a woman moaned one day to her long suffering husband.

"Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that can accelerate from 0 to 150 in under 4 seconds, ...... and I'd prefer a blue one!", she hinted.

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her .....

He's dead now ... but he died a legend.



       

www.comedianuk.com

With Gods Help...

A lovely young girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents. After having a barbeque, her mother tells her father, a wealthy business tycoon, to find out some more about this young man. He invites the boy to join him for  a game of snooker and a coca-cola in his games room.
"So what are your future plans?" the father asks the boy.
"I am a religious scholar and I genuinely want to marry your daughter," he replies.
"A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in and to which she is accustomed?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry sir, God will provide," replies the boy.
The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions him, the boy insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "Well, how did it go?"
The father answers, "The bad news is he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

Q) What's the difference between God and a lawyer.
A) God doesn't think he's a lawyer....

Coca-Cola Salesman in Saudi Arabia....

A disappointed Coca-Cola salesman returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?"  The salesman replied, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem, I didn't speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through a poster with three images.


         

"First image: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.

"Second image: The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
"Third image: Our man is now totally refreshed.

"These posters were pasted all over the place."

"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"It should have!" said the salesman. "But no one told me they read from right to left!"

"So, because you failed miserably in your assignment, what did you say to your prospective clients before you left Saudi Arabia?"  

                       

"I told them to;" 

Why I Mow My Own Lawn: Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did. 
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off...

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

      

Fascinating Fact:It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Now read on.....

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny ............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


            

These are both okay. But are they ART?

by Austin Knight.
www.ComedianUK.com
www.ComedianUK.com

Inane Drivel....

The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up at the airport. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my ear holes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the grooms vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: “She made me a much better offer.”

Having made a futile endeavour to have a text conversation with ‘The Teenager’, she then sent a stream of random letters and I have to arrange this veritable smorgasbord of alphabetic nonsense into words. Countdown is a doddle, compared to this lark.

The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune time. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!

If you kill yourself, that's suicide. If you kill someone else, that's homicide. If you murder loads of people, that's genocide. If you haven't won a title for 24 years, that's Merseyside.

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning, I shout, "Two sugars, fish-face!"

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. The monsoon is a-comin’!