In Wetherspoons last night, me and my mates invented the Oscar Pistorius drinking game. Anytime anyone goes to the toilet, you have four quick shots...
A woman in the Tesco checkout queue collapsed and died right in front of me this morning. Ironic part about it was, she'd just bought a 'Bag for Life'....
When it comes to messing up the simplest of phrases, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag...
I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders. And if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....
I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo do they use in the shower. 98% of them said "How the f**k did you get in here?"
I tried to share a donner kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester last night. He told me to f**k off and buy my own.
Gary Barlow's new band is to be called 'Take That Back'......
The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.
If you kill yourself, that's suicide. If you kill someone else, that's homicide. If you murder loads of people, that's genocide. If you haven't won a title for 24 years, that's Merseyside...
An average male will think about sex every five minge.....
Auto-correct is a pain in the arse! You always end up posting sum thong you didn't Nintendo!
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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