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Sunday 11 May 2014

Inane Drivel....

The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up at the airport. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my ear holes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the grooms vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: “She made me a much better offer.”

Having made a futile endeavour to have a text conversation with ‘The Teenager’, she then sent a stream of random letters and I have to arrange this veritable smorgasbord of alphabetic nonsense into words. Countdown is a doddle, compared to this lark.

The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune time. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!

If you kill yourself, that's suicide. If you kill someone else, that's homicide. If you murder loads of people, that's genocide. If you haven't won a title for 24 years, that's Merseyside.

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning, I shout, "Two sugars, fish-face!"

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work. The monsoon is a-comin’!


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