Breaking News...

His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly
used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for BBC News 24,'
he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment .......
Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is ...... You're NOT my flight instructor??'

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Gordon Brown ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?



Tomorrow we'll do Alistair Darling

This fella (pictured below) won £24 million on the Euro Lottery, then the very next day, he meets the girl of his dreams. Howzat for good luck?!?!

So, the other day, the battery in my car died, I asked my next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert if he had any jump leads. He gave me a load of phone numbers. What’s all that about then?



A further vehicular disaster was my water pump. I bought the water pump from a local auto parts store and it came with a full warranty. The warranty said ‘Limited Lifetime Warranty’, excluding the casting, shaft, bearing and rotor. I later discovered that the only four components present are, the casting, shaft, bearing and rotor. So now I have a limited warranty on nowt. I can see myself having this conversation with the geezer in the auto-parts shop, " I bought this water pump here and it has ceased working. The warranty states that you owe me nothing, and that's what I expect." The clerks response would be summat like, “ I'm sorry sir, but your nothing is limited.”



The ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die, you come back as summat else. She sez that she wanted to come back as a pig. I replied, “You're not listening properly, are you?” I used to call her ‘Magnolia,’ coz she’d go with anything! We shared the same sense of humour. We had to do, because she didn’t have one!





Fascinating Fact no. 2472: Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. On that basis, since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you! That women are going the 'right' direction? I think we should be told!



Credit Crunch Tip No 2643: You know that the recession is causing problems when the mortgage, the car loan and the wife are all three months overdue.





Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".



Having performed at copious workingmens and social clubs over the last three decades, I have noted that there is no monument anywhere dedicated to the memory of a committee.



Try this. It's really amazing!

Think of a number.
Multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Subtract 2.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?



Disclaimer: the accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts undisputed after more than 2 minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or why not email me at austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!

The Balloonist...

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in I . T . ," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f*cking fault..."

Memorable Football Manager Quotes...

Malcolm Allison:

A lot of hard work went into this defeat.

Ron Atkinson

1. I needed to give my players some technical advice - I told them that the game had started.

2. I never criticise referees and I won’t change a habit for that pratt.

Craig Brown: Kevin Keegan and I have 63 international caps between us – he has 63 and I have none.

Kevin Keegan: In some ways cramp is worse than having a broken leg.

Brian Clough: Do you know that Sinatra once met me.

Sven-Goran Eriksson: Before his first game as England manager: I’m nervous about meeting so many people. It’s like when you go out with a woman for the first time, you’re bound to wonder how it will end up.

Sir Alf Ramsey: There is great harmonium in the dressing room.

David Pleat: To a 17 year old Neil Ruddock – ‘When you finish playing football young man, which I feel will be very soon, you will make a very good security guard.

Sir Bobby Robson:

1.I would have given my right arm to have been a pianist.

2. We don’t want our players to be monks. We want football players; a monk doesn’t play football at their level.

Lawrie McMenemy: When you are 4-0 up you don’t expect to lose 7-1.

Bill Shankly: To Celtic manager Jock Stein at Anfield – ‘Jock. Do you want your share of the gate money or shall we just return the empties.

Jose Mourinho: On his predecessor at Chelsea, Claudio Ranieri – I could say what has he ever won, but I won’t.

Sir Alex Ferguson: When I was at St. Mirren it was a desolate place. Even the birds woke up coughing.

Gordon Strachan: On Eric Cantona - If a Frenchman goes on about fishing boats and sardines, he’s a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap.

And the best of all:

John Lambie (Partick Thistle manager) when told a concussed player didn’t know who he was – ‘great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back out there quick.’

Idiosyncratic behaviour...

Do you find that that the idiosyncratic behaviour that we sometimes display and the quirks of our individual display model of human nature fascinating? Consider me this: Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in completely the opposite direction of where you are supposed to be perambulating? However, instead of just turning around and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch (Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is!) or mobile phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazeridden because you have randomly switched directions on the pavement. Sometimes, I cross over the road, for no apparent reason! 

 

My doctor has prescribed some tablets for my failing memory. I have to take three tablets, four times a day. Or is it four tablets, three times a day? Moreover, I can’t remember where I’ve put my memory stick. I’ll have to find it because I saved this column is on it. If this column doesn’t appear in the paper this week, then you know I am still looking for it. 

 

 Being a comedian is a most unenviable career. More often than not, when someone is telling me a joke all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own joke that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. It’s tantamount to narcissism innit! Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing at the right parts. 

                                 

Why is it that I would rather try to carry ten plastic grocery bags in each hand, rather than take two trips to the car to bring my groceries in? What's all that about then? 

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. The doctor sez I have an eating disorder. Apparently, its two hands and one gob! 

 

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. Shirts get dirty. Undercrackers get Richard Widmarks in them. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Plus they have pockets too! ‘Do not machine wash or tumble dry’ means I will never wash this ever. 

 

 I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Billy Connolly - Statement of the Century...

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

If you can't find the book you want, you are probably at the...

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Joke of the Week!

The Mexican maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the increase.

She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want a pay increase. The first is that I iron a lot better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron a lot better than me?”
Maria: “Your husband say so...”
Wife: “…Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a much better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a much better cook than me?”

Maria: “Your husband did.”
Wife: “…Oh.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..”
Wife: (really furious now!): “I suppose my husband said that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora...... the gardener did.”
Wife: “...So how much more money do you want?”







Fascinating Fact of the Week!



After intensive studies at the University of Manchester Institute of Science and Technology, it has been found that beer contains many female hormones and I think they are right. Think about it. Personally, after just six pints of Farqharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, I talk a load of old cobblers and I can't drive! Extemporaneous, crapulous logorrhea! What’s all that about then?







Detailed below are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...



Solicitor: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Solicitor: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Solicitor: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?




Solicitor: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Ada?"
Solicitor: And why did that upset you?
Witeness: My name is Vera!




Solicitor: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of three-dimensional human existences. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me on austin.knight@homecall.co.uk now, assume a comical position and strike the pose. Oh, and get back to work!

New Article..

I had a great summer and missed the UK monsoon period altogether. Apparently, it only rained twice in Manchester over summertime. From May to July and from July to the end of August. All this global warming gubbins appears to be altering the climate to a fantastic degree. Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? I think we should be told!



Upon returning from Cyprus last week, I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" You couldn’t make it up could you?





When the examination was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me.”



“Well, in plain English,” my doctor replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer and wastrel”



'Thank You.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term, so I can tell the missus”







My Grandmother is ninety-five and still doesn't need glasses...
She drinks straight out of the bottle.

On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote
"I don't know and I don't care."



A blonde schoolteacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says asks blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goalkeeper"





A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.”

This shouldn't be the end. It should only be the beginning. Do you work with a bunch of nutters? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got any corn plasters? Whoa! Let me back up a second and start over again. Work with a bunch of ‘head-the-balls’? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got any corn plasters? Well then you need to check out www.ComedianUK.com to take a glimpse at my nutty Jokey-Blog. Do it now, or the next day, or the day after that and the day after that. Email me direct at austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Wahee!! The winter is-a-comin’!!