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Sunday, 15 November 2015

The Estimated Account Procedure....

      


British Gas rang yesterday morning and curtly informed me: "The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low." I sez, "Yeah, I've never actually read the meters. I just think beforehand how much I feel like paying, and then I adjust the figures to suit." "Sir, that is fraudulent, you can't do that!" they sez. I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you robbing scallywags!"



The missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) was counting all the five and ten pence coins out on the kitchenette table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting, screaming and crying for no apparent reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



Walking into Tesco and placing the bag on the counter at customer services, I sez to the assistant, "I'd like to return this, please." "Is there anything wrong with the item?" she asked. "Nothing whatsoever." I replied. "It's hardly been used, I just don’t need it anymore." "Sir, this bag is empty," the assistant sarcastically informed me. "That's correct," I sez. "I'd like my five pence back please." While I was in Tesco, I bought some rocket salad, but it went off before I could eat it!


On Monday, I escorted the mother-in-law to her doctor’s appointment. She had a carrot stuck fast up her nose, a banana jammed in one ear and a cucumber was lodged in her other ear! The doctor asked me, “What seems to be the problem?”I said “Well, I’m no medical expert myself, doctor. But I don't reckon that she ain’t eating properly.”



After being wheeled out of the operating theatre, the patient whispered to the matron, “I’m fine, but I didn’t like the four- letter word that I overheard the surgeon use during the operation.” “What did he say?” enquired the Matron. ‘Oops!’ came the reply...





I was languishing in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House last night, larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter British Beer, when I said to the missus, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" "No, you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....



Barmy Albert and Dastardly Derek were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Albert sez, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Derek replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’



Quote for Thursday: "Write a funny anecdote and your name will live forever." – Anonymous.


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

      




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