Carry On Up The Baltics!

Today, I fly to Oslo, Norway to join the magnificent vessel that is Carnival Legend. I shall be working in the Punchliner Comedy Club with George Lopez. Back next week folks! Byeeeee!!

That Was The Week That Was!

David Frost has died on board the Queen Elizabeth cruise ship.  I must say, I didn't go down too well myself on that particular vessel.

Strictly Come Dancing makes a welcome return! My problem is that I have two left feet and cannot dance to save my life. But as soon as I step in dog shit, I can Moonwalk betterer than Michael Jackson...


I was in a club with my pal Don last night, and we both spotted a gang of birds sat on the bar stools. As quick as a flash, we both started dancing right next to them. When about 15 minutes had elapsed, I wiped the perspiration from my brow and sez, "Don, I don't think this is working very well." "I don't either," he breathlessly replied, "Maybe we could do with some music."

I'm thinking of taking an Astrology course at the local college, so I have applied for a Russell Grant.

Gareth Bale record transfer fee! £300k per week! If I was on that kind of dough, I'd only do the one week. In fact, I'd probably just do a couple of days..


She wanted a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It came like a bolt out of the blue, you could have knocked me down with a feather, took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer...

Q) What's the definition of a Scouse dilemma?
A) Free Lidl coupons in the Sun newspaper.


They reckon that all Rolf Harris's victims are Manchester City Supporters. You hear nowt from them for over 40 years, then they all pipe up at once!   What with 'Two Little Boys' and 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down' We should have known there was summat wrong there!


BREAKING NEWS: Obama respects Cameron's decision. So it's Assad day for Syria.
Nick Clegg thinks Damascus kills 99% of all household germs.

I always have sexdaily! Sorry. I mean dyslexia.


A Brief History of Time:

1813 Women have no rights.

1913 Women fight for some rights.

2013 Women are always f***ing right.


"You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?" This always seems like a weird way for the missus to start a conversation with me.

I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my six-year old son wasn't actually mine.  She says that I need to pay more attention when I'm picking him up from school.


I tried washing my clothes at 30 degrees, but the washing machine just fell over!


Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? www.Comedian.ws and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!

How a Woman's Brain Works....

Desperado's...

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar,where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar when he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Chain-Smoker stopped in his tracks and stared at the cigarette.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."


A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.  The rest of the year went very smoothly.

www.Comedian.ws

What a winker...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry ... we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

'Winter Fuel’ payment.

Older taxpayers received 'Winter Fuel’ payments. This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ? A. It is money that the government will send to old taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely: * If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka * If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs * If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala * If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea * If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Bangladesh * If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in the UK by: 1. Spending it at car boot sales 2. Going to night clubs 3. Spending it on prostitutes 4. Buying beer or whisky 5. Getting yourself a tattoo 6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. ) Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night ! No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres..

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY SHEET MUSIC

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey