What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

                                            

NCP didn’t want to go into administration, but unfortunately, the Official Receiver's Office had already issued the ticket. Karma eh!

I just spotted young Willy Eckerslyke going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers, and rabbit's feet. I thought to myself, "He's really pushing his luck!"

After his haircut is finished, Barmy Albert is asked by the barber: “Hair gel, sir?” He replies, “No, no, don't bother. If I smell like that, Non-Stick Nora will think I've been to visit a massage parlour.” Tommy Grabknuckle sez: “You can go ahead and put some hair gel on me—my missus doesn't know what a massage parlour smells like!”

There’s a new cafeteria opened on Scropton Street, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. I grabbed a table and waited for a waitress. But the only one I can see seemed rather nonchalant and somewhat aloof. When she finally sauntered by, I ask, "Can I have a shufty at the menu, please?" Only then does she look at me with a forlorn frown and exclaims, "That’s a private matter. The men I please are none of your business!" Am I existing in an abstract parallel universe?

Showbiz Gossip: John Travolta claims to have been visited by the ghost of Olivia Newton-John. He said she was singing, "You're the one that I haunt."

Fascinating Fact: With all the current kerfuffle in the Middle East, I was really chuffed yesterday when I got a full tank of petrol for £70. Admittedly, it was for the lawnmower, but hey, ho!

 

Barmy Albert staggers home paralytic drunk once again, from darts and dominoes night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and rather than arguing, Non-Stick Nora decides to adopt some reverse psychology on him. She wears a skimpy negligee, sits him in an armchair, and gives him a neck and temple massage. Then, she whispers seductively, “It’s getting late, big boy. Why don’t we both go upstairs to bed?” Barmy Albert slurs: “We might as well, because I’m gonna be in big trouble when I get back home anyway!”

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was asked: “Do you still call your wife ‘Honey’ or ‘Darling’ at your age, and if you do, then what’s the secret?” Tommy replied: “It’s been many years now. I’ve forgotten her name and I’m too afraid to ask her now!” Well, her name is Elsie Grabknuckle, and she preserves endangered species. You should taste her panda jam. It’s delicious!

I’ve often wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they don’t know the words…

The missus isn’t speaking to me because apparently, I ruined her birthday. Quite how she has reached this absurd conclusion is totally beyond my comprehension, primarily because I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Some visitors at the Manchester Museum were marvelling at the dinosaur bones and asked the guard how old the dinosaur bones were. The guard informed them that they were 72 million, three years and 6 months old. The visitor sez: “That’s an awfully exact number. How can you ascertain their age so precisely?” The guard replied: “Well, the dinosaur bones were 72 million years old when I started working here, and that was three and a half years ago….”

Breaking News: A wedding photographer was tragically crushed by a 300lb wheel of cheese that accidentally fell off the catering truck. Apparently, all the guests tried to warn him.

THURSDAY QUIZ:

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels. (If they nicked your chips, they’d be chip Bagels!)



Q) What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

A) Nothing. He was Gladiator…