The first repatriation flight out of Dubai has landed at Luton Airport. “It was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through”, said one passenger who’d never seen Luton before.
I’m really worried about my pet parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on. Oh, how I hate my life." The missus is far too selfish to notice. Plus, she’s always busy sobbing her eyes out.
Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has relinquished the lease on East Lodge, in addition to Royal Lodge and North Lodge. Should any more revelations become public, King Charles has promised him Travelodge.
A leg of lamb in Tesco has more security than our borders. Who’d a thowt it?
Barmy Albert visited the barbers. As he’s cutting his hair, the barber asks; “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?” Albert duly shrugged and answered: “She’s fine.” Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?” Now he’s getting annoyed, but he replied: “I’ve told you twice already, she’s okay.” A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, Albert, how is your mother-in-law doing?” He finally snapped: “Dude, I already told you three times—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?” He chuckles and sez: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”
Fascinating Fact: It took 20 years to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. Just over a week to replace Khamenei with Khamenei. Trump is very efficient
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle attended the hospital, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back, where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs Grabknuckle is 83 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor calmly continued to scribble on his clipboard, and, without looking up, he exclaimed: "Yes, but does she still have the hiccups?"
Non-Stick Nora discovered that there wasn't much in the pantry for dinner, so she decided to improvise. She made a Risotto with mushrooms she found growing in the backyard. Not only was it delicious, but shortly after eating this delicious dish, an Irish male voice choir of purple Elephants showed up and sang every song from Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell album, accompanied by a laser light show. Fascinating!
As I get older, I don't really sleep anymore. It's more of a doze between pee breaks.
Intrepid Investigative Reporter was writing an article on the bushfires in the High Peak, and smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good photographic shots, so he frantically called his editor at this newspaper to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at Manchester Airport. As soon as he got to the airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low-level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause, the pilot replied: "Wait! You mean you're not the instructor?" OOOPS!
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