I always thought that Advent Calendar days were numbered. When I opened the first door on mine last year, a bailiff was standing there!
Q: Did you hear about the Eton Advent Calendar? A: It’s just like a normal one except Daddy opens all the doors for you.
Unite General Secretary Sharon Graham warns Labour risks “sowing the seeds of its own destruction”. She reckons that Keir Starmer is ‘toast’ and will be replaced as Labour leader in the very near future. Of course, the main problem with Starmer and toast is that virtually every decision he makes is akin to toast landing on the kitchenette floor, buttered side down. An obvious measure Starmer could take would be strapping the piece of toast to Larry, the Downing Street cat, thereby ensuring the toast would land correctly. However, Larry has two left feet, whereas Kier is two-tier, so it could still go awry. Starmer is so inept that if his toast landed buttered side up, then his current track record indicates that he’d buttered the wrong side! Labour voters should all start texting each other like old-time explorers. “Dearest friend, I have survived yet another week; however, the horrors persist….”
Top Tip: Upcycle a chest of drawers by turning one of the drawers upside-down, thereby making a writing bureau.
Fascinating Facts: Apparently, the average adult swears over 80 times per day. Finally, something I’m excelling at! Moreover, 50% of Roger Federer's name is "er"
The missus is proper childish. Every time I’m having a bath, she just barges in and sinks all my boats…
Non-Stick Nora was late for church and was running up the steps. She asked young Willie Eckerslyke: “Is mass out?” He replied: “No. But your hat is a tad skewiff!”
92-year-old Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, and the doctor told him: “I’m very sorry to tell you this, but you’re gonna die.” Tommy opined: “Isn’t there anything that can be done?” The physician advised: “Well, you could take 3 or 4 mud baths every day.” Tommy asked: “Will that cure me?” The G.P. sez: “No. But it’ll get you used to the dirt….”
Barmy Albert's boss phoned him and asked: “Where the hell are you?” Albert told him: “I’m in Brighton. I’ve been here since 5 am.” His boss sez: “Why?” Albert replied: “The last thing you said to me yesterday was, I want you in Brighton early tomorrow!” His boss said: “But you were late yesterday.” Albert replied: “That’s because I left the house late.” The boss asked him why he couldn’t have left the house earlier. With all the dignity that he could muster, Albert told him: “It was already too late to leave earlier….”
Ladies! Listen up! If you feel like you have been left on the shelf and you’re approaching middle age, don’t worry! Madonna is 67, and her boyfriend is 29. Cher is 79, and her boyfriend is 38. Ladies, if you are still single, relax. Take a chill pill. Your boyfriend hasn’t even been born yet!
In 1920, we took children out of the coal mines. In 2020, the most popular video game on the market is Minecraft. Children yearn for the mines!
Top Tip: Marriage is realising that your missus is the sweetest human being alive, except when she’s tired, hungry, too warm, too cold or the kids are misbehaving, or her hormones have become discombobulated. In essence, she’s flawless for five days per month, so use them wisely…
Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!
