The Stalybridge Strangler strikes again!

                                              

“They’re eating the pets of the people who live there,” Donald Trump shouted during the ABC debate last week, as vice-president Kamala Harris laughed disbelievingly. What exactly were they scoffing? Roast beef and Yorkshire Terrier?

 



The sheep spend their whole lives fearing the wolf. However, their eventual demise is determined by their trusted guardian, the shepherd. Once you understand this fascinating fact, then the farrago radically alters and you can begin to comprehend the idiosyncrasies of politics. Moreover, an identical principle applies if someone is murdered. In this case, the police would automatically assume that the spouse of the unfortunate victim is the prime suspect. This scenario also tells you virtually everything you need to know about marriage…

Non-Stick Nora collared Barmy Albert and proclaimed: “The circus is coming to town and they have an amazing dancing bear and I’d love to go and see it!” Albert told her that he was busy at work, but they could go next year. The following day, Nora told Albert that the next-door neighbours went and they had acrobats on the tightrope and they were doing the Hokey-Cokey right up there on the wire! Albert sez: “I’d love to take you, but I’m snowed under at work.” The next day, Nora was ecstatic when Albert arrived home and she gushed: “The newsagent told me that he went and they had a dozen clowns who all jumped out of a tiny car and they all did the Can-Can, then the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was so romantic! Can’t we go? It’s the last day tomorrow.” Barmy Albert reneges and phones his workmate Sid to go in and cover for him. The next day, Albert’s boss notices he’s absent and asks Sid where he is. Sid replied: “Oh. Albert can’t come in today, due to four unseen circus dances.”



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, a lifelong Elvis fan was marrying for the fourth time. I interviewed her for an article in this newspaper. I asked her what her first three husbands did for a living. With a saturnine grimace, she told me; “My first hubby was a bank manager, after that I wed the lead singer of a rock group, then after that, I married the local vicar. Finally, I got married to a funeral director.” I asked her why the four men all had such diverse careers and she replied: “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go”

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, I got knocked over by a cyclist. It was entirely my own fault. I was walking on the pavement.

Nod your head if you make every endeavour to breathe more quietly whilst walking up a steep hill, so bystanders can’t hear you fighting for your life, like you’re being throttled by The Stalybridge Strangler!
                                                          

Are you totally fed up waiting for the water to commence boiling while you’re making spaghetti? Why not boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it in readiness for the weekend. Follow this column each week for more of my household tips.



I actually made a car from left-over spaghetti. The missus didn’t believe me until I drove pasta. My new car has a button for everything! There is even a button that says: ‘Rear Wiper’. However, I’m still afraid to try that one….




In days of yore, windows were an oblong glass aperture in a room. Whereas, application was for a job. Keyboard was an instrument used by Russ Conway and a mouse would be half of the Tom and Jerry cartoon partnership. A file would be indexed in a metal cabinet drawer and hard drive was an arduous car journey. Cut was with a knife and paste was with Solvite when you wallpapered the room. Web was a spider’s lair and Apple and Blackberry merely fruits! Just clickety-click on www.Comedian UK.com and enlighten your abode and exercise your guffaw glands!

                                                             

 

Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Right. Whatever.....

 

                                               

Musical Notes: Elvis Presley's coffin was made of Redwood and took three weeks to make. Gene Pitney’s was only 24 hours from balsa. My experimental Asian dish, Pigeon Biryani tasted awful. So, Phil Collins was right. You can't curry dove. I had a picnic with Errol Brown from the band Hot Chocolate yesterday. It started with a quiche.

Attempting my good deed for society, I made an effort at donating blood last Wednesday. Never again! It was like the Spanish Inquisition. Far too many stupid questions. Like, whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket? Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Right. Whatever!

 Call me old-fashioned, but I’m glad my mother was a woman.

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had owned a several acres of land many years. He had a large pond in the back. It was ideally shaped for swimming, so he fixed the surrounding area with nice picnic tables and some apple and pear trees. One evening, Tommy decided to go down and take a look at the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruits. As he neared the pond, he heard screaming voices and roaring laughter. As he came closer, he saw there were a few young women wading back and forth in his pond. He coughed to make the women aware of his presence and they all went frantically to the deep end! One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' Tommy frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim, or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm just here to feed my pet alligator.” Of course, you can always tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you later, whereas, the other will see you in a while.

                             

  

A shady character pushed a ransom note through my letterbox saying it’s either £5,000, or I’ll never see my wife again. It was a difficult decision, but in the end, I decided to take the money.

Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3×3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. “Wicked!” he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. “I can get away from him, no mither!” thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, “What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. ”Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyl for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off.” Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, “Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” said the bobby.

It said on the TV advert that if I contribute just one pound a week, this will supply water for an entire village in the Republic of Congo. So how come United Utilities charge me £229 quid a month for a three-bedroom semi? Is the world going mad, or is it me?

                                                

This is Austin. Austin doesn’t play into the left versus right paradigm, because Austin knows that both wings are attached to the same bird. Be like Austin and think critically and eschew obfuscation by not being involved with perpetrators of terminological inexactitudes. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!

                                   

  

Punchlines Column 22 & 29 August 2024

 

Punchlines Column 22/08/24  

                               

Oasis soup - You gotta roll with it!

                                                               

Barmy Albert has been patiently waiting fifteen years for Oasis to reform, only to lose out on a ticket, because 18 year old Chardonnay from Doncaster just wanted to hear Wonderwall live!  Apparently, I’ve just spotted an Oasis ticket on sale for a staggering £6,000!  Or they will swap for a GP appointment....  Who’d a thowt it!

 

When Barmy Alberts lawn mower broke and went kaput, Non-Stick Nora kept hinting to him that he should get it repaired forthwith. Somehow, he always had summat more important to take care of first, like golf competitions, the lap-dancing club, bowling, darts and dominoes or brewing beer. There was always some other activity or something that took precedence. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When he arrived home one day, he found her crouching in the long grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. Albert watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a minute, when he came out and he handed Nora a toothbrush and proclaimed: "When you finish cutting the grass, you may as well sweep the driveway too." That's when the fight started. The consultant at Tameside hospital reckon that he will walk again, but he’ll always have a profound limp and an eccentric gait.

 

“Waiter! This soup is cold!” “It’s Gazpacho, sir…”  “Gazpacho!  This soup is cold!”  The waiter then came over to the table and told me: “Sir, your wife has just slid under the table!”  I sez: “No she hasn’t. My wife has just come through the door….”

                              

 

For Sale: Signed photo of John Lennons wife. £10 Ono.

 

Good news is that I’ve got a job washing dishes. Bad news is that it’s at Jodrell Bank…

 

My Dad used to say “Money. You can’t take it with you’” We had some terrible holidays in Rhyl. I recollect walking along the beach one morning singing “Puppet on a String” whilst thinking to myself., this is a sandy shore...

 

I really don't like to gloat, but I've just had a lovely letter from the Inland Revenue informing me that all my tax returns are outstanding....

 

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.

That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency. Follow me for more household tips.

 

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladder’s hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look, ‘that’s a lovely fire engine,’ he says admiringly. ‘Thanks,’ says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s tail. ‘Little colleague,’ says the fire-fighter, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.’ The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?’

 

I asked my pal Dave what it was like living in Surrey.   He sez: "Oh, you know... it has its Epsom Downs"

 

A Geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm. The hairdresser replied: "I wandered lernly as a clood”  She sez: “Whenever I lift me arm up and sniff, it stinks of coconuts”  The hairdresser sez: “It’s Bounty!”

                                       

I just wanted everyone to know that whoever has been in contact with me in the last seven days should stay indoors and contact your nearest test centre. I’m so sorry to all of my friends and family and those who have been in close proximity to me. I have had symptoms for a few days now and it has just been confirmed. I have been diagnosed with being amazing, awesome, hilarious, and completely off my rocker. I was told there is no cure as of yet for all four of these symptoms. If you visit my website www.Comedianuk.com you can see what the problem is.  You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com  Now, get back to work!