The gender agenda bender....

                                       

This year, Easter has coincided with April Fool’s Day, so technically, you could hold an Easter egg hunt for the kids, who would be searching for chocolate eggs that you haven’t actually hidden! Barmy Albert has had double glazing installed, so that his grandchildren cannot hear the ice cream van! 

Many people cannot comprehend why UK oil reserves are rapidly diminishing and we have very little oil left. Let me explain. Our oil reserves are situated in the North Sea, whereas our dipsticks are all in Westminster. Now do you understand?



This dog goes into the Post Office and sez to the Postmaster behind the counter: "I’d like to send a telegram please". The Postmaster sez: "What message do you want to send?" The dog replies: "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof". The Post Office geezer sez: "For the same money, you can have an extra three ‘woof’s’ in the telegram" The dog replies: "That would be absurd. It wouldn’t make any sense then."



Non-Stick Nora goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the Nora examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the Non-Stick Nora. "Okay" replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" Suddenly, as if in a surreal dream sequence, Ricky Gervais appears, dressed as a chef! He carries a large carving knife, the waiter instructs Ricky to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Ricky Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its little face. Ricky is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Madam," says the waiter, "This is Hans, the pot washer. Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry madam, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "It just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" I'll get me hat and coat...


                                         

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its

recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

THIS GETS BETTER!)



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a much better model..

The women won. Allegedly!


                                                  

I hired a stretch limousine yesterday for the princely sum of £300. I have just discovered that it doesn’t come with a driver. I cannot believe that I have spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it….



I don't know how people get eaten by sharks. Don't they hear the music? Mind you, I read somewhere that the original victim in the Jaws movie suffered from terrible dandruff. Apparently, they found his Head and Shoulders on the beach! Maritime folklore advises us that in the event of a shark attack, you should poke the shark in the eyes and it will recoil instantly. I prefer to employ my already proven and successful form of defence, which is staying in Glossop….



While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc. I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000. Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries and not a care in the world. Not even the staff at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave, can spoil my day.

This weekly humour column may contain egregious crapulous logorrhea coupled with copious amounts of discombobulated addlepated blather. This unique formation could tickle your guffaw glands and cause enhancement of your chuckle endorphins in the cranium area. In order to ascertain if this whimsical farrago might affect you personally, I strongly urge you to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                               

Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime...

 

                                                          

The missus asked me: “How would you describe me?” I sez: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” She thought for a moment and replied: “What does that mean?” I told her: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fabulous, gorgeous and hot!” She sez: “Thank you. But what about I-J-K?” I replied: “I’m just kidding!” That’s when the fight started!

Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”

When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the young officer an ear-to-ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

                                     

 

What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. For several years, wealthy furniture manufacturer Chester Draws had been conducting a clandestine affair with a gorgeous Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, business or his marriage, Chester paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide generous financial support until the kid turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day, about eight months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Darling' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card. His face turned ashen and he keeled over and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

 

A day is a long time, in the life of a comedian. For instance, the day before yesterday, I waved at this young lady outside Wetherspoons, because I thought she had waved at me. I then ascertained that she had actually waved to another bloke, who was behind me. In a futile attempt to escape from an embarrassing scenario, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport. I am now in Japan, starting a new life....

                                 

 

I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers. He told me that after 25 years of manufacturing crisps, they are just about to finish the first sack of spuds they opened all those years ago.

A young lad goes to see the Careers Officer. Reckons he can’t decide what to do. Careers Officer enquires, "How old are you?" Lad sez, "Sixteen." Careers Officer says, "Why don’t you take a year off?" Lad replies, "Alright then, fifteen."

I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose. We should always respect older people, because they graduated from High School without the help of Google!

                                           

 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                         

Austin Knight | Flickr

The Offside Rule Explained....

                                           

Barmy Albert was smoking a cheroot outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when Dastardly Derek, the landlord came out and curtly informed him that couldn’t smoke outside the premises, unless he was fifteen yards away from the building.  Albert told him that it didn’t apply to him.  The landlord asked Albert why he thought he was excluded from the laws of the land. Albert cheerily replied: “Because I’m drinking in the pub across the road.”

 

A bloke in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted Non-Stick Nora coming out of Aldi below. He descended further and shouted to Nora: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."  Nora replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground. You’re between The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and north of Scropton Street abattoir." "You must be in Information technology."  said the balloonist.  "Actually, I am," replied Nora "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."  Nora responded, "You must be a Tory politician." "Indeed, I am." replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"  "Well," sez Nora: "You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to the position you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my flippin’ fault!”  Moral of the story: Don’t mess with Non-Stick Nora because she’s awesome!

                                                     

The Offside Rule Explained for Ladies: You are in a shoe shop, penultimate in the queue for the cash register. Behind the shop assistant on display, is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you would absolutely die for! The young blonde shopper in front of you has seen them too, and is eyeing them with burning desire.   Both of you have forgotten your purses.   It would be totally rude to push in front of the blonde bimbo if you had no money to pay for the footwear.   The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.   Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your big dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.   If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.   At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.  Now do you understand?

I sheepishly approached a very beautiful woman in Tesco and said: "I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  The woman looked perplexed "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman as gorgeous as you, the missus just seems to materialise out of nowhere"

 

 I like Aardvarks. Dogs look up to us; cats look down on us, however, Aardvarks treat us as equals. Aardvarks are cool.

 I have found marriage to be very educational. For instance, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

Top Tip: When picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my websitewww.ComedianUK.com or email me comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                                 

The Knitting Needle Nutter Strikes Again!

 

                                      

What with the pension age being increased, coupled with the current cost of living crisis, we are now forced to toil well into our old age. Yesterday, I spotted a pensioner working in the local supermarket car park collecting shopping trolleys. He must’ve been pushing eighty!

I phoned the local council office, last week and the automated voice announced: “If you’d like to speak in Welsh, please press one.” I pressed one, but I still can’t speak Welsh!

The CEO of a large blue-chip company decided to award a prize of £150 for the best idea of saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.

I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."

A Scouser got stopped by police coming out of Currys PC World on suspicion of shoplifting. The copper sez to him: "I'm going to perform a search. Do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The crafty Liverpudlian replied: "No. Only Sony and Panasonic...."

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy.

Crimewatch Latest: Tameside Police are hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the last week. Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

                       

  

Of course, some folks are so wealthy, they are totally immune and bullet-proof to the present economic downturn. I was watching a faux documentary on Netflix called: ‘Being Victoria Beckham’ and I must confess that I was staggered by the abject affluence that was paraded before my impecunious countenance. Apparently, she owns a top of the range Bentley Turbo and employs a proper liveried chauffeur, complete with uniform and peaked hat. They were bombing it down these narrow country lanes in Hertfordshire, going far too fast for these somewhat precariously cramped thoroughfares, when suddenly, disaster struck! A lone Heffer strayed out of a farm gateway, the chauffeur failed to stop in time and subsequently flattened the poor unfortunate animal onto the tarmacadam. Posh went bananas and screamed at the chauffeur: “If the press get hold of this, there’ll be ructions! Here’s a few hundred quid, go to the farmhouse and sort it out. Keep a lid on it. We want no paparazzi!” The poor chauffeur went and came back four hours later, paralytic drunk, his hat skewiff and a large cigar in his mouth. Posh screamed at him again and asked: “Where’ve you been for the last four hours?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “they opened a valuable bottle of 50 year-old Macallan Malt Whisky that they kept purely for very special occasions!” She sez: “What exactly did you say to them?” he replied: “All I said was that I was Posh Spices chauffeur and I’ve knocked the cow over and they wouldn’t let me go!”

There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

                            

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                             

Putin a nutshell....

                                          

You can tell that you're getting old, when you have upstairs Paracetamol and downstairs Paracetamol. Moreover, when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and you begin to wonder if there’s anything else that you could be doing while you’re down there. Of course, back in my day, we had to walk to the telly to change the channel. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow!

Last week, my Facebook account got hacked yet again.  That’s the fifth time that I’ve had to rename the dog!

I was on the train into Manchester, when this bloke sat next to me whipped out his iPhone and showed me a photo of his missus.  He sez: “She’s beautiful isn’t she?” I replied: “If you think she’s beautiful, then you should see my wife.”  He sez: “Why? Is she really gawjus too?”  I replied: “No.  She’s an optician.”

During February (The wettest month on record!) the singer that sang: ”Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.” Has sadly died.  He was drowned!

I went to get my hair cut last Wednesday and the barber was incessantly chatting about football, cricket, holidays, kids, dogs and it seemed that there wasn’t any subject whatsoever he didn’t cover or indeed comment on.  Suddenly, he declared: “Do you know that your hair is going grey?” I sez to him: “Well, get a move on!”

On the same subject, Putin visits his German hairdresser and as he sits down, the barber gets straight to work with the scissors and asks Putin: “How are matters in the Ukraine, Mr President? Is the army fighting well? How are Navy operations panning out?” Suddenly, Putin snaps: “What’s with all the questions about Ukraine? Are you really interested in the special military operations so much?”  The barber replied: “Not really, Mr President, it’s just so much easier to cut your hair, when it stands on end.” Tragically, the barber was reported to have accidentally fallen out of a window, shortly afterwards and shot himself in the cranium four times after he landed. RIP Herr Kutt.

                              

 

Last week, we said farewell to Stan Bowles. He was 75 and he gained a reputation as one of the game's great non-conformists and mavericks. He played over 250 league games for Queens Park Rangers, and earned five England caps. He famously said: “I blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags. Looking back, I think I overdid it on the tonic.”  I used to bump into him at many a sportsman's dinner event and I asked him once: “Why didn’t you join Gamblers Anonymous?”  He replied: “They wouldn’t know where to send my winnings!”

I grilled a chicken for about an hour yesterday. It still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.  I tried cooking with wine too. After six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for!

Many moons ago, when Barmy Albert lived in a block of council flats, up Scropton Street, (behind the abattoir.) He surmised that it was raining and put his hand out the window to verify this fact. As he did so,  a glass eye fell into his hand!  He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking downwards. "Is this yours?" he asked. She sez: "Yes, it is. Could you bring it up?" and Albert agreed. Upon arrival,  she was profuse in her thanks and offered Barmy Albert a glass of wine. As she was really gorgeous, he agreed.  Shortly afterwards she informed him: "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty of grub, would you like to join me?" Albert readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the young lady announced: "I've had a brilliant evening. Would you like to stay the night?" Albert hesitated then sez: "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"  "Definitely not! she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

                                           

I've learned that things change, life is like a garden gate, people change, you should never trust a Hefferlump and it doesn't mean you forget the past, like when that Romanian circus kidnapped your chihuahua and covered it up with clingfilm. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up. It means accepting that some things weren't meant to be, because the sun can’t swim. So why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and have a chortle! Now, get back to work!