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Monday, 4 October 2021

Panic buying petrol fiasco!



Local knowledge: The petrol station with no diesel is situated next to the bus depot with no drivers and the bus with no fuel, near the butchers with no meat and the green grocers devoid of any vegetables. Opposite are the employment agency with no workers and the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with no beer. Just behind that is the government with no clue....

Now that many parents have very little fuel in their 4 x 4 Range Rovers, some poor schoolchildren have been forced to walk the 300yds to school! Who’d a thowt it!

Barmy Albert ran out of petrol, and a bee flew in his car window..."are you out of petrol" sez the bee. "Yes" replied Albert. "Gimme me a minute" buzzed the bee, and flew away. Minutes later the bee returned with the entire hive of bees who all flew into his petrol tank. Moments later they emerged, "Try it now" said a passing bee. Albert tried and the car started. Albert asked: "Wow! What did you put in the tank?" The swarm replied in unison: “Bee Pee!”

I had one of those Zoom appointments with the doctor’s yesterday morning. I told him: “I have this terrible pain.” He asked me if I’d had this terrible pain before. I sez “Yes!” He thought for a minute and informed me: “You’ve got it again, then!”

I forgot my key on Saturday morning, so I texted the missus and asked her to hide it under a plant pot for me so I could get back into the house. "No problem." She texted back. When I returned home, I was unable to locate any key, so I contacted her again, asking exactly which plant pot she had secreted the key under. She replied: "I've put it under the one on the kitchenette table."

Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital". Barmy Albert: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."


Non Stick Nora is working as a housekeeper and was after a big pay rise. Mrs Grabknuckle, the wife of her employer was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the proposed hike in pay. She asked: "Now Nora, why do you want a pay increase?" Nora: "Well, Mrs Grabknuckle there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." The wife sez: "Who said you iron better than me?" Nora replied: "Your husband says so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Nora continued: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Nora: "Your husband did." The wife became increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" Nora: "The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed." The wife was incandescent with rage, and through gritted teeth shouted: "And did my husband say that as well?" Nora replied: "No, Mrs Grabknuckle, the gardener and the chauffeur did." The wife replied: “Well, how much do you want?” 

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