Barmy Albert reckons you should always wear a mask because it saves lives. Yesterday, he had a clandestine meeting with Elsie, the barmaid from The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and as they were sauntering up Scropton Street back snicket, he passed Non Stick Nora and she did not recognise him. Albert maintains that the mask really saved his life!
The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied. "Well, what was it then?" she asked. Of course, I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret buying the flat above Lionel Ritchie.
My little puppy dog Alfie has been extremely naughty! He ate all the Scrabble tiles that were inadvertently left out on the floor from the night before. His next poo could spell disaster!
The news has everyone in a frenzy stating that we must buy Christmas prezzies and food now because there won't be anything left on the shelves come early December. When I was a kid, we were so poor that my mum used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper! Here's a novel idea. Maybe we shouldn't worry about the material things. Maybe we should just be grateful for the gift of family, friends, our health, a warm home (if you can afford the gas!), memories, the list of what we have to be grateful for that doesn't come with a price tag. Maybe this is a way of telling us it's time for a good old-fashioned Christmas with those around us who we need and to remember the ones we don’t have with us. If there’s another outbreak of Covid, then we could have six foot long Christmas crackers! We should also think of all the money that folk have saved on stamp duty, by not being able to afford a house!
I phoned SeaWorld aquarium at The Trafford Centre to buy tickets for next weekend. They said that the call may be recorded for training porpoises. They must think I’m Dr Doolittle!
It just said on the telly that you should check on the elderly during the festive seaon. I’m normally up and about by the crack of noon. Bring beer and pork pies.
It all happened so suddenly! I was bereft. I felt that my life was empty and a barren existence on a bleak horizon beckoned. I felt alone, with a sense that I was isolated from all I know and loved, unable to express my inner most feelings, to share my thoughts, my needs, my…… No. Hang about. The Wi-Fi is up and working again now. Carry on folks!
Thursday Thought: If you can't learn to do summat really well, then learn to enjoy doing it badly.
I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what?
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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