I went up to the Ryanair check-in desk this morning. The girl asked: "Do you have any reservations?" I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway." We flew alongside an Emirates plane, so we could watch their movie...
Non Stick Nora was in a mood because Barmy Albert was late coming home again from the darts night at Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, so she decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me”. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, Albert comes home and she could hear him in the kitchenette before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote summat on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, it’s about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French negligence. I love you and can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left. She heard the Reliant Robin roar off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're out of beer, gone to Co-op, I’ll be back in ten minutes...”
I must admit that I don’t like making plans for the day, primarily because then the word "premeditated" gets bandied around the courtroom.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Yeah right! Nice try, basket industry!
You know that tingly little feeling you get down your spine when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body...
Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like decorations....
Whilst sauntering up Scropton Street, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however,it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, I guarantee everyone will be saying it...
Barmy Albert walks into the street and hails a passing hackney carriage. "Perfect timing" he sez to the driver. "You're just like Tommy" "Who ?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a bloke." replied the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like aa Apple iPad. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, and was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. Change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man!" "He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes highly polished. He was the perfect geezer. No-one could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him ?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his f***ing widow"
Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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