I’m now masquerading under the mantle of Agony Uncle. Send me particulars of your problem and I will address it in this weekly column. The first letter this week is:
My son is growing plants in our greenhouse, he maintains that they are lettuce, I reckon it’s cannabis. What should I do? I’m extremely worried about this unfortunate situation.
Dear Worried, Try some and if you’re still worried, it’ll definitely be lettuce!
The missus has been missing for well over a week now and the police called yesterday and told me to expect the worst. So I had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back...
I was staying at the Waldorf Hotel (So called because it is ‘walled off’ at the front!) I approached the concierge, I sez: “I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve forgotten what room I’m in”. He replied: “This is the lobby, sir...”
It really must be horrible if you worked at the Job Centre. Imagine, if you got the sack, you'd still have to show up the following day!
A baby snake looks at his dad and asks "Dad are we poisonous snakes?" His dad says “No son, why do you ask” The baby snake sez, "Cos I've just bit my tongue!"
Congratulations to my pal Tyson Fury on his defeat of Deontay Wilder and his retention of the WBC heavyweight title. I have a photograph of when I did a bit of boxing myself. If you turn it sideways, it looks like I’m stood up!
I walked into Scropton Street Bakery and complained to the manageress, "I've just bought a meat and potato pie from you, I took just one bite and three teeth fell out!" "Maybe you bit down a tad too hard?" she replied. I sez: "They're not my flamin’ teeth!”
• Your kids are becoming you, but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better!
• You forget names. But it's okay because other folk forgot they even knew you!
• You realise you're never going to be really good at anything. Especially golf.
• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• You sleep better on the settee with the telly blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch
• You tend to use more 4 letter words: "What?" "When?"
• Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have three sizes of clothes in your wardrobe, two of which you will never wear again.
• But old is good in some things: old Songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are.But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: email@example.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!