MAINTAINING A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN 2021....

 

                                                        

RIP Charlie Watts. I remember meeting him back in the day. He was being interviewed at Granada TV by Bob Greaves. Bob asked: “What’s it like being in the Rolling Stones?” He replied “If you lump it all together, it was about five years actually on stage and thirty five years hanging about really.” That’s showbiz folks!



Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home the earliest.



As a child, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk incessantly, when they didn’t have a brain. Then Facebook came along and proved that it’s possible.



Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchenette floor, using only my feet wrapped in pot towels; I did all this without spilling my wine! Follow more of my life coaching tips in this column every single week.
                                                       

MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN 2021.

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at oncoming vehicles. See them all slow down.
2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your waste bin on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
7. As often as possible, Skip rather than Walk.
8. Ask people what birth sign they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party because you're "not in the mood."
11. When the money comes out of the Cash Machine, scream, "I won! I won!"
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
13. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

                                                            
                                          

Barmy Albert is 70 years old. He's played golf nearly every day since his retirement five years ago. One day he arrives home looking despondent. "That's it", he tells Non Stick Nora. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." Nora sympathises and pours him a cup of tea. As they sit down she sez, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?" "That's no good" sighs Albert. "Your brother's ninety two. He can't help." "He may be a ninety two", replied Nora, "but his eyesight is spot on." So the next day Albert heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" "Where did it go?" says Albert.
"I can't remember." He replied.

The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work!

The vaccination passport farrago....

                                             

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire broadcasted the celebrity edition and Diane Abbott couldn’t get past the £100 question. Jeremy Clarkson was most perturbed with her time wasting and grumpily announced “You’re going to have to use a lifeline.” She replied “I’ll phone a friend.” Jeremy asked “Who do you want to phone?” Diane replied “Sir Kier Starmer.” Jeremy sez “Hello, Sir Kier, It’s Jeremy Clarkson here from Who wants to be a Millionaire, I’ve got Diane sat across from me and she needs your help.” Kier said “Hello, Diane. What’s the question?” Diane replied “Should I go fifty-fifty, ask the host or phone another friend?”


                                      

Parents nowadays must be quite baffled by what they have to explain to their offspring regarding the procreation of the human race. In days of yore, we all had to inform our kids about the birds and the bees. It’s just basic parental territory and is part of the job description. This was formerly a relatively simple task. However, in these enlightened times, we must consider more complex formats, namely the bees and the bees, the birds that used to be bees, the birds and the birds, bees that were formerly birds, birds that look like bees, not forgetting bees that were birds, but still have a stinger! Who’d a thowt it?!?



Fascinating Fact: By replacing your morning coffee with a cup of green tea you can lose 85% of what little joy you have left in your life...



We were partaking of a tankard of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer up Scropton Street in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when it kicked off royal! You know they’re gonna start brawling in the sawdust when Barmy Albert shouts “Hold my teeth!”
                                                  

The general consensus of opinion is that drinking milk makes you stronger. In my experiment to prove this, I consumed six pints of gold top and then tried to move a wall, but was unable to do so. In my second experiment, I larruped down six pints of Stella Artois and voila! The wall moved all by itself!



Non Stick Nora phoned the local restaurant and the receptionist asked their name for the booking and sez “Do you and your guest have your vaccination cards?” Nora replied: Can you tell us who our waitress will be on the night?" She replied “It looks like Ethel will be your waitress that particular evening.” To which Nora replied “Superb. Can you show us Ethel’s vaccination card?” The receptionist then became a tad tongue-tied; however, Nora continued apace “Also, can you provide me with proof that Ethel not a carrier of any other communicable disease? Oh, and the same for you and all the kitchen staff. As a matter of fact, I’m going to need to see all of your employee’s medical history.” To which the receptionist replied: "Erm. Let me get the manager for you.” Nora swiftly replied: “That would be great, thank you. Make sure he has his vax card and medical records as well please…”    I hope they serve sauce for the goose!

                            

The difference between ignorance and apathy...

 

                                        

Barmy Albert was caught red-handed yesterday morning in the bathroom weighing himself, when Non Stick Nora sauntered in. She declared that she didn’t think that holding his stomach in would make him weigh any less. Albert replied that he was aware of that, but in doing this, he’d be able to read what it says on the scales.



A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A supervisor explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her zimmer frame back?"

                                   

We were late for an evening out, and I was downstairs, pacing back and forth glancing at my watch, then I yelled upstairs to the missus, "Are you ready yet?" Shouting back, she replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last two hours that I'll be ready in five minutes!" What’s all that about then?



The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"



His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.' The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,   'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'  'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for BBC News 24,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me is ...... You're NOT my flight instructor?”

                            

1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Boris Johnson". 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Boris Johnson?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better? Tomorrow we'll do Diane Abbott.



On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote "I don't know and I don't care."



BT rang me up and curtly informed me that if I didn’t pay the overdue bill within the next seven days, then I would be disconnected. I told them that “Your bill is in a queue.”

 

                                     

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com