Hands ~ Face ~ Back to my Place....

 

                                               

Matt Hancock says: Hands-Face-Back to My Place! He was caught snogging his aide Gina Coladangelo. Experts have advised her to self-isolate because she evidently possesses no sense of taste, whatsoever. She must have no sense of smell either, because one can detect the rancid pong of hypocrisy all around the UK and beyond! 

Furthermore,  Hancock maintains that he was observing social distancing because her legs were two metres apart...

Now we have everyone washing their hands and observing social distancing, isn’t it time that we taught BMW drivers how to use their indicators?


                                                

 

England v Germany will be shown live on TV all over the UK except for Scotland where they will show"Wish You Were Here." 

 

 Moreover, statistics show that Portugal completed 850 passes in their game the week before last. The only way England could equal that is if we put Harry Kane on Mastermind!

 

Fascinating Fact: Kids see magic because they look for it. This is akin to the governments scientific advisors.



If you’re ever with me and someone comes up and starts chatting and I don’t introduce you, it’s because I can’t remember their name, so please feel free to introduce yourself, then I can hear the said name and pretend I knew it all along. Moreover, you could just call the person mate if it’s a male, or lovely or darling or temptress if it’s a lady...
                                         

The way things are going in our ‘Woke’ society, we’re gonna have to eradicate shampoo for fear of offending bald folk. If they had a comb, they wouldn’t part with it.



Roses are red, violets are red, tulips are red, and trees are red. Flamin’ Nora, me gardens on fire!



“Mummy," asked little Nellie, "Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her." The next time her grandmother visited "Granny," asks little Nellie, "Why do you and mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," replied Nellie's granny. "You'll have to ask her." "Great Granny," asks Nellie the next time they visit her slightly doo-lally great grandmother at the nursing home, "Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, for Pete’s sake!" sez Great Granny, " Are they still using that fuckin' small pan?"


                                                       

In my opinion, sex education classes in all schools should consist of pupils listening to a baby crying incessantly for four straight hours, whilst watching Peppa Pig on a constant video loop.



If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just tell me. If you’re confused, ask me any question. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are stuck, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then send me £10. If you love someone, tell me NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to go to Greggs. If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Covid Jokey-Bloggington! There’s only 3 more lockdowns to Christmas, folks!


                                    

Only 3 more lockdowns until Christmas, folks!

                                       

It’s official! June 21st is the longest day in the UK. It now lasts for four weeks, until July 19th. Bozo Boris, Hopeless Hancock and Gormless Gove have kindly granted us this new holiday. We must show our appreciation next time it’s polling day. It won't be Pritti! There are only two types of Tory voters. The millionaires and the misguided. To ascertain exactly which one you are, look in your wallet.



Barmy Albert loves wearing a mask when he goes to the supermarket, because he doesn’t have to put his teeth in. Moreover, Non-Stick Nora reckons that she can’t stand cricket because “It’s just some bloke hitting a ball with a piece of wood.” She likes snooker though!     Who’d a thowt it?

                               

Lads! Listen up! If you want to make your significant other feel really special, then put a picture of her up in the kitchenette and write ‘Employee of the Month’ underneath it. She’ll absolutely adore it! Follow this column for more relationship tips.



On Euro footie, the Sweden – Denmark game was displayed on the scoreboard as:  SWE-DEN. The missing letters are DEN-MARK. Fascinating!



Persil have just invented a washing powder so strong that it can remove Staines from Middlesex.



When I bought the missus the new Mary Berry cook book, there was a full page that contained the recipe of Escargots à la Bourguignonne and as she wanted to try out more exotic cuisines, she dispatched me one night to the French food wholesaler to procure her some fresh snails. On the way back I bumped into Barmy Albert who mentioned that our local pub, the Pitt-Bull and Stanley Knife were having a special night featuring a stripper and a meat raffle. We both took full advantage of this magnanimous occasion and the pair of us got paralytic drunk! Well, there I was staggering back home and I eventually lurched up to the front door and whilst extricating the keys from my pocket, I inadvertently dropped the bag of snails. They all fell out, split and ended up covering the front door step. My wife opened the front door and said "Where the hell have you been until this time?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I pointed at the snails on the front path and shouted to them: "Come on lads, we’re nearly there!" That’s when the fight started!



It does my head in when some people say "I'm a vegetarian, except for fish". Oh Yeah! Well, I'm a teetotaller, except for beer....

                                              

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that Roy Rogers horse Trigger used to call him Dave?



My little dog Alfie won't stop barking at me! I think that he's asking to call in the betting shop, after which he wants to go walkies down the pub to watch the footie. Then he would like to have an hour at the lap-dancing bar. After that, he wants to pick up a curry on the way home! The sacrifices I have to make.....

                               

Why is ballet pronounced ballet and wallet pronounced wallet but not wallet? What if your name is Siobhan and you live in Cholmondeley? The English language is totally weird. It can be understood better by using tough, thorough thought though....



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                

The Tom Jones Guide to Genetics....

 

                                          

It’s been mooted that Boris will extend the lockdown for another month because of a yet another new variant, namely the Mexican Wave. Apparently, no Juan will see it coming! Furthermore, it only takes one person to start it and then the rest of the UK will be up in arms about it! Just when there was light at the end of the tunnel, Boris orders more tunnel.

Top Tip: If a Jehovah’s Witness knocks on your door, just knock back from the inside and they’ll go away.

 

Fascinating Fact: Tom Jones Guide to Genetics: XX = Female. XY = Male. YYY = Delilah.



A woman went to A & E at the local hospital, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about two minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's office. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups? I’m hoping they find a cure for hiccups. However, I’m not holding my breath!


                         

What’s the difference between a house and a home? A house is what you live in; a home is where your kids want to send you.



The times they are a changin’! When I was young, I was very poor. Now, after many years of hard work, I am no longer young. Moreover, I have learned a lot from the mistakes of people who took my advice.



I spotted this notice on a farm gate. ‘The farmer allows ramblers to cross this field for free, but the bull charges.’ The only thing that’s worse than a bull that doesn’t like you is one that does. The farmer told me that he had 57 sheep and could I round them up for him. I replied:    “Yeah. Call it 60....”


                                                                

Chester Zoo was given the go-ahead to reopen, after thousands of furloughed flamingos put their foot down.



Sometimes, you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.



Barmy Albert was at a job interview when the boss handed him his Apple iPad and sez, "I want you to try and sell me this." So Albert bunged it in his rucksack, sprinted out of the place, went to The Pit-bull and Stanley Knife pub and ordered himself a pint of Farquarharsons Old and Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. The boss phoned Albert’s mobile and angrily shouted, "Bring that iPad back here immediately!" Barmy Albert replies, "£250 and it's yours, matey!"

 

Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!