The Gender Bender Agenda....

 

                                                  

                     
The mighty woke onslaught continues apace! I was astounded to hear that Mr Potato Head has been renamed as Potato Head, in a gender-neutral rebrand by makers Hasbro. The makers may have to change their own name too, because it contains the word ‘bro’. King Edward spuds have been deposed and exiled to a far pavilion. Distant Plantagenet cousin, King Edward is livid and told reporters “If I had a quid for every gender there is nowadays, I’d have £2.”     What kind of a planet do we inhabit, when we have to reassign the gender of a plastic toy spud and why couldn't he simply be given interchangeable bits?


According to the Boris roadmap, we can go for a beer inside the pub on June the 21st. Taking this into account, I sez to the missus, start getting ready and get yourself all dolled up because we’re going out to the finest restaurant and on a big night out in 74 days time! Fast forward to 74 days time: I shout upstairs “Are you ready yet?” She replies: “I told you an hour ago, I’ll be ready in 5 minutes...”

                                       

The Boris roadmap continues: It advises that on 12th April you can have a drink outside the pub, but the pub itself will be empty? Needs more thought this does. It’s on a par with the Scotch egg farrago.



You have to be careful what you say. I told the wife: “You are negative.” She replied: “Really! Well you are arrogant and a total narcissist. You care for nobody but yourself. Furthermore, you’re miserly skinflint that would make Scrooge look like a benevolent philanthropist and you are a fat, ugly wastrel and a total disgrace!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: “I was just letting you know that your Covid test was negative...”

                     

There’s a massive difference between a quiet woman and a silent woman. The first one is a miracle, whereas, the second one is a time bomb! Exercise extreme caution!



The kids are back to school! Teacher sez: Give me a sentence which includes the following words: Defence, defeat, detail. Little Nellie replied: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat goes first and then detail.


                                

When you were a mere youth, if you dropped summat, then you’d just pick it up again. When you get older and you drop summat, you stare at it for a while and contemplate if you actually need this item any more. Innit awful gerrin auld!



Fascinating Fact: I put my undercrackers on back to front yesterday morning and they fit better!



Harry and Meghan have contacted Tottenham Hotspurs F.C in order to ascertain what it’s like to carry on without a title. Last week, they went to see the Oprah. Could this be their swansong?

       

One moment you are 21 years of age, stopping up all night long and boozing with Tommy Cooper in the Broadway Club on Oldham Road, leaving at 6 am and getting just 4 hours kip, but still back in Manchester town centre the following night because you’re appearing at The Long Bar all week and all the other acts congregate there after their respective gigs, so you are burning the midnight oil yet again, but not before sauntering into Chinatown for prawns in garlic and half a crispy duck with pancakes. Suddenly at 60 years old, you’re a trainee corpse, scoffing All-Bran for brekkie and going to bed at 9pm, waking up every three hours for a wee, worrying all night because of all the lockdown problems and you can’t go dog walking coz you pulled a muscle putting on your socks yesterday! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

 

                                    

the Boris roadmap to the third (and 4th!) wave....

                                                  

Professor Chris Whitty, the government scientific soothsayer geezer, has confirmed that medical experts in London were asked if it is time to ease the COVID-19 restrictions on the lockdown gubbins. Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not making any rash decisions. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Many Pathologists yelled ‘Over my dead body!’ while Paediatricians said ‘Oh, grow up!’ Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow. Plastic Surgeons opined that that this proposal would ‘put a whole new complexion on the matter’. Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Westminster, whereas, Urologists reckon Boris is taking the piss...



Top Tip: If your Basmati rice is too soggy, then just leave it overnight in a bowl of mobile phones. Sorted innit!

Fascinating Fact: Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hilly areas.

                                   

Whoops! I startled the post lady on Saturday morning when I went to the door completely naked. It's not that I was naked that scared her, more the fact that I knew where she lived!



Shrove Tuesday was a bit of a non-starter. Is it just me or have pancakes tasted awful since Jif changed to Cif? However, on the plus side, I have always reckoned that pancakes do make an excellent ceiling decoration. Moreover, come Ash Wednesday, I decided that I’m giving up Lent for alcohol....

                                                          

Word of the Day is ‘Ultracrepidarian’ (19th century): a presumptuous critic; one who loves to give opinions on matters they know very little about. They must all be Facebook keyboard warriors too!



David received a text from his father. It read thus: ‘Son, allow me to offer my warmest congratulations. I’m certain that you’ll remember today as the happiest day of your life.’

David replied: ‘Thanks Dad. But the weddings tomorrow.’ Dad responded: ‘I know...’



Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora: “I reckon that them there thermos flasks are an incredible invention. For example, if you put summat in a flask that’s hot, it’ll keep it hot and if you put summat in that’s cold, it keeps it cold.” Nora replied: “What’s so special about that then?” Albert sez: “Yeah. But how does it know?”

                                               

I was born a male. I wholly identify as a male. But according to Tesco’s Chocolate Fudge Cake, I’m a family of four.



I called the vet and told him 'The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?' 'Sure', he said, 'but will your cat find the way back home alone?'



Wow! NASA have landed a Rover on Mars after a 300 million mile voyage. The one I drove in the 80’s barely used to make it to Kwiksave! 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

 

                                       

 

The Impeachment Verdict....

 

                   

How times change! In 2019, we told the kids: “Work hard at school, or you'll end up stacking shelves in a supermarket for a living” Fast forward to 2021: "The most secure job in the country is stacking shelves in a supermarket." Who’d a thowt it!



I asked two kids outside the local Co-op what job they wanted to do when they left school. The first kid asked me: “What’s school?” and the other kid sez: “What’s a job?”



Sadly, my morbidly obese parrot died yesterday. It was however, a huge weight off my shoulders. It caught a sort of bird flu in the Covid malady new South African strain bracket. It was Swettin and Puffin afore it fell off its perch.

                                   

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that ants cannot catch Covid? It’s because they have little Anty Bodies...



Well, I’m not in prison. I’m not in a rubber room, wearing a straitjacket. I’m not dead yet. On the whole, I’m having a great lockdown day! You know when you’re in trouble when the little voices in your head start a chat group!



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora how much you should spend on a bottle of wine. Nora looked at him and sez: “I honestly don’t know. Half an hour?



I saw Barmy Albert up Scropton Street and he appeared a tad nonplussed. I sez “Wassup Albert?” He told me he’d just got his test result and had the dreaded C. I sez “Covid 19?” He replied “No. Dyslexia...”


                                     

“Well, what surprise have you got lined up for Lockdown Valentine’s Day?” Asked the missus. “I think I’ll take the Christmas tree and decorations down..” I replied.



A Valentines Poem: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty, and so is your head....



I received my vaccine at midnight. It was a shot in the dark! I asked the girl giving me the jab if she had much experience of administering vaccines. She sez “Yeah. I did Botox for years.”



During the lockdown gubbins, I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send £10.



Another Fascinating Fact: Top scientists reckon that by the year 2025, you’ll never be more than two metres away from a former Chelsea manager...

                                        

Being unemployed for the first time in forty-odd years, I had my interview for Universal Credit and she curtly informed me that I must be available for any manner of work that might crop up. She further advised that there were some current opportunities in data processing. I informed her that I couldn’t use a computer. She asked me if I had some kind of learning difficulties. I sez “No. It’s a condition of my bail...”



Even though the forest was rapidly disappearing, the trees kept voting for the axe. However, the axe was really clever and convinced the trees that because his handle was made out of wood that he was one of them. Moreover, 12% of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. I now see how Trump got acquitted....

 

                  

The awful moment that you realise that your wholemeal loaf has a Valentines date, but you haven't....

 

The Groundhog Biennial Period....

 

                                    

I dialled 999 and asked for the police. “Hello. There are two blokes wearing hoodies and they are breaking into my shed!” The police then advised me that they are short of resources and are unable to attend my property. I sez: “But they’re standing less than one metre apart and not wearing a face mask!” Police replied: “Keep ‘em there, we’ll have someone with you in five minutes!”



Last month, following the EU vaccine shenanigans, Boris left a message for President Macron and for a giggle, left the voicemail in German. Emmanuel Macron returned the call later and opined: “I got your message Boris, but unfortunately, I don’t speak German.” Boris paused for a moment and then replied: “And who do you think you should thank for that?”



The EU obviously think that the easiest way to make decisions is to pretend that the consequences don't matter. Angela Merkel has complained that “The British are coming over here and taking all our jabs!”



During lockdown, our oven has broken down more times than I’ve had hot dinners!



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference? She sez:, “I don’t know and I don’t care!’



The Coronavirus test nurse asked if I've had any sudden loss of taste. I sez: "No, I've had this suit for years." I clearly recollect asking the tailor for the cheapest suit in the shop. He sez: “You’re wearing it, sir...”


                                       

We entertainers are joining forces in the war on Covid. We are currently searching for a lady with a very high BMI. We’re working on the theory that the pandemic will be all over, once she sings!



I hate it when people go on about their respective types of phobia. I have a fear of heights, but I don't go shouting about it from the rooftops.



This little girl sez to her father: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other daddy does?"



Thursday Thought: Some people come out of the Covid storm bitter, whereas some folk come out of the Covid storm better.



I’ve been pondering that if there's enough tarmac to make speed humps, why is there not enough to fill pot holes? We used to drive on the left of the road, now we are forced to drive on what’s left of the road.

                                      

They say that when we understand that it is not one more day, but one day less, we will start to appreciate what really matters. Happy Groundhog Biennial!



I’ve not been out of the house for ages. I might nip to Woolworths later on. I also need to return a Betamax video to Blockbusters. What time do they open?