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Sunday 23 April 2017

The Vote.....


Will June be the end of May? Who will you vote for? I can’t decide between the bloke who wants to save the NHS, tackle tax avoidance by major corporations and address the housing shortage problem or the insane megalomaniac who wants to turn the UK into a post Brexit tax haven for the elite, take money from the most vulnerable in society and embrace fascists in Saudi Arabia and the USA. It’s a tough call really.....


BREAKING NEWS: The North Korean Pole Vaulting champion has now become the South Korean Pole Vaulting champion....

The missus was complaining, "Our wall clock almost hit my mother on the head today. It
fell off the wall only seconds after she got up from the settee." I mumbled, "That clock always was slow."


Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were chatting over coffee. Said Nora, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye." Nora took a sip of her coffee. "Ouch" she screeched. "There it goes again!"Albert gazed at her with a saturnine grimace and proclaimed, "Nora, take the spoon out of the cup."

A conversation I overheard on the train into Manchester yesterday morning: "I shouldn't have told my fiancé about my rich uncle." "Why not?" "Because now she's my aunt."


Thought for Thursday: Grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it.

                                                   If You're Happy & You Know It.....

Quote for Thursday: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure" - Clarence Darrow

Fascinating Fact: If Alexander Graham Bell had a daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.


The CEO decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the month of April. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.

Marriage is akin to navigating a quad bike through a desolate tundra, then suddenly and inexplicably falling into an abyss, being flipped over and pinned underneath. At night a marauding pack of predatory ice weasels come ....


According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Not that I class myself as smarter than scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Glossop.

David Beckham is working away so he goes into Interflora to get a bouquet of flowers for Victoria. "Do you want them scented?" asks the assistant. "Yes please," says David. "It's too far to take them myself."


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