I got home yesterday afternoon and the missus was still sitting there, glued to the television. I have to say, as practical jokes go, that was possibly one of my best.
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers. Fascinating!
I’ve had a couple of emails from people who have been accusing me of plagiarism. Their words not mine.
I took the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) to a fancy restaurant in Manchester. While studying the menu she asked, "What’s fillet mignon?" I noted it was £50, so thinking fast, I replied, "It’s pickled rat’s spleen with marzipan. Why do you ask?"
Once upon a time, there were two little snakes called Cissie and Cynthia and they were both hissing near their pit. Mummy snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Potts pit and hiss. Cissie and Cynthia went over to Mrs. Potts pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey! Cissie and Cynthia, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mummy came out and exclaimed, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Potts house to hiss. They said,” Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss.” The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!'' The End.
I was sauntering down the road with my daughter Suzie and we passed some Waneylap fencing. She asked me: “ What are those holes in the fence, dad? I replied: “They’re knot holes.” “ Well” she sez: “If they're not holes, then what exactly are they?” Fascinating!
"My mother is still in shock," the missus complained. "The doctors say it could've killed her."
"I only did what you asked," I said, defending myself. "You said, 'Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on." I’ve had nowt but problems with the Mother-in-law. I took her to the doctors last week. She had a rasher of bacon on top of her head, a brussel sprout in one ear and a fried egg on her shoulder. The doctor asked me what was wrong with her. I sez to him: “I’m no medical expert, but I don’t think she’s eating properly.”
I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Post a Comment