I was larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, up Scropton Street, (Behind the abattoir) and Barmy Albert was telling me that Non-Stick Nora went to that Ann Summers and got some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. Well, he won’t eat her cooking, so he’s not gonna eat her vest, am he? She’s a terrible cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer! She made a rhubarb pie last week. It was three foot long and one inch wide. She sez, “If you take me upstairs with these handcuffs, you can handcuff me to the bed and do anything that you desire. So Albert took her upstairs, handcuffed her to the bed and then he went down Wetherspoons!
The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”
They were selling DVD movies on the local market. I asked her: “Do you have the one where Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped?” She replied: “Taken” “How about the sequel?” I politely enquired. "That’s Taken 2” She curly informed me. Walking away, I sez: “Okay then, I'll try somewhere else. "
Still on the retail front, I hear that Barmy Albert’s fruit and veg shop on the High Street has gone into liquidation. He now makes smoothies.....
If you had to make a choice between winning the Euro Millions or your wife, then which car would you buy?
Thought for Thursday: Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up.
Fascinating Fact: The only thing worse than a bull that dislikes you, is one that does....
Q) What do I, as a common person, have to do to become an affiliate of this weekly humour column?" A) Well, it's simple. First, stop being common. Next, log on to my website www.ComedianUK.com and answer the following question: Did you ever find a potato that resembled a member of your family? If so, who? Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! The summer is a-comin’!
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”
They were selling DVD movies on the local market. I asked her: “Do you have the one where Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped?” She replied: “Taken” “How about the sequel?” I politely enquired. "That’s Taken 2” She curly informed me. Walking away, I sez: “Okay then, I'll try somewhere else. "
Still on the retail front, I hear that Barmy Albert’s fruit and veg shop on the High Street has gone into liquidation. He now makes smoothies.....
If you had to make a choice between winning the Euro Millions or your wife, then which car would you buy?
Thought for Thursday: Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up.
Fascinating Fact: The only thing worse than a bull that dislikes you, is one that does....
Q) What do I, as a common person, have to do to become an affiliate of this weekly humour column?" A) Well, it's simple. First, stop being common. Next, log on to my website www.ComedianUK.com and answer the following question: Did you ever find a potato that resembled a member of your family? If so, who? Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! The summer is a-comin’!
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