THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS.....

                                                     

           


              Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right
and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

                   
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH (Does not apply to 5 euros) This is when you suddenly
become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire
bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this
stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will
always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are
RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the
knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of
the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE
than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the
words.

                                               

                                 

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not
only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on
anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum
of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week
is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what
happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would
remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one
who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your
friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot
this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of
you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them,
too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
                                         

                                                           

THE HANGOVER RATING SYSTEM

1 Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when
you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still
feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a
Cheeseburger and side of fries.

2 Star Hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you
hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because
her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen
doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet
you haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide
the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending
on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your
eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a
reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a
weeks pay for one of the following; home time, a doughnut and somewhere
to be alone or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out
the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking
past them.

5 Star Hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems
pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your
co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe......very gently.

6 Star Hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the
room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble
out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will
remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the
whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit
there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world
you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if
it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't
relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside
out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the
last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner
getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.
She /He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an
option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who
knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

                 

The Missus....

                                       

Barmy Albert has just bought one of those Amazon ‘Alexa’ personal assistant thingies. He asked it: "What makes a woman happy?" It’s been three days now, and it still hasn't shut up!

                                      

I went out with the missus to a fancy restaurant last night and she insisted on paying for the meal. I sez, "Don't be daft, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!”



I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked. “Well I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some cretin using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said, “Whatever makes you think I’d marry another cretin?”



I've got a new job working shifts at a company that manufactures chess set pieces. I'm on Knights next week. My dad used to work for a firm that made toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well, I think he did, because that’s all he ever brought home. The missus lost her last job, because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon any more.

                                 

Last weekend, I visited a rather busy pub in Stalybridge. I sez to the barman, “I came in here thirty years ago, with my late father.” He replied, “'Really sorry, mate. I'm going as fast as I can!”



This young lad went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The father replied, "Do you see those four trees, over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." The son replied, "But dad, I only see two!”



In the jewellers window on the High Street, there is a sign that bears the legend, ‘Watch Batteries Replaced Here.’ I went in and said to the bloke behind the counter, “Go on then....”

                                      

She was incandescent with rage! "I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed Non-Stick Nora. "I'm really disappointed." "You can hardly blame me," answered Barmy Albert. "It's not like I was getting any from you.” "Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.....”

I went out with the missus to a fancy restaurant last night and she insisted on paying for the meal. I sez, "Don't be daft, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!”

                                       

Fascinating Fact: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Thought for Today: The word "efficient" should only have one ‘F’.

The pharmacist at Boots had a right go at me yesterday. Apparently you need a prescription to get anti-depression tablets. It's no good just showing your marriage certificate and a photo of the missus!

"I'm so sneaky, sometimes even I don't know what I'm doing!" Howell Reynolds.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


                               

How To Get That Fabulous Job

                                             

Always arrive fashionably late.

Greet the interviewer as casually as you would your friends, like "Wassup dude?"

Bring a relative or pet with you.

If it's summer time, wear very little clothing so you can stay cool.

Also, wear bright, flashy colours, lots of jewelry, and extra cologne or
perfume to keep the mosquitoes away.

Play it cool by showing no enthusiasm for the job.

Or act desperate, like you'll take any job.

Ask about pay, holiday, coffee breaks and other things the company can do
for you, immmediately.

Brag about how many interviews and job offers you have lined up.

Always interrupt the interview to take cell-phone calls from your bookie or
pimp.

Shuffle through important papers, work samples and such so you look
important.

Eating, drinking, or smoking is a great "icebreaker!" Don't forget to share.

Occasionally, fidget or squirm to stay awake.

Tell the interviewer you intend to go after his or her job.

Knowing little to nothing about the company or job description will give you
extra things to talk about, so play dumb.

Ask for an advance of salary upfront, coz you have an appointment at Wetherspoons.

Make statements or ask questions that reveal negative, underlying
implications, such as, "What happens if I'm late a lot?"

Criticise a former employer, coworker or boss to show them you're tough.

Stop the interview early, to make it to another on time. This shows them you
are a "hot" prospect.

                            

The Scholar.....

                                                   

Happy 100th Birthday to ‘The Forces Sweetheart’ Dame Vera Lynn! During the war, my grandfather was constantly on the lookout for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths....

                                         

Yesterday, I had a day out and went to visit the Air and Space Museum. There was nothing there! It was just all air and space. It was so disappointing. Then to compound an already unfortunate farrago, I ventured to the zoo. There was nothing there except for one dog. It was a Shih Tzu. I’ve decided that I’m staying in today.

                         

In the jewellers window on the High Street, there is a sign that bears the legend, ‘Watch Batteries Replaced Here.’ I went in and said to the bloke behind the counter, “Go on then....”



I was sauntering through Manchester last Wednesday, when some kid stopped me outside a newsagents shop on Deansgate. "Can you buy me some cigarettes please" "Sorry no, I can’t.” I informed him. "Come on” He sez, "They’re not for me, they’re for my dad" "Well why can't the lazy devil get them himself?" I asked "He's not 18 until April.” he replied.

                                     

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later. Fascinating!

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. And I'm thinking, "Who the flamin’ hell is going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

This girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother instructs her dad, a wealthy entrepreneur, to find out about this young bloke. He invites the boy to join him for a pot of tea in his study. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy. "I am a religious scholar and want to marry your daughter," he replies. "A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in and to which she is accustomed?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry sir, God will provide," replies the boy. The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions him, the boy insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "Well, how did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."


                           

                                   

Thought for Thursday: The word "efficient" should only have one ‘F’.

                                       

Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but tempus fugit’s when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Email me; comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                       

She was incandescent with rage!   "I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex,"
screamed Non-Stick Nora. "I'm really disappointed."  "You can hardly blame me," answered Barmy Albert. "It's not like I was getting any from you.”  "Well that's your fault," she replied.   “You never told me you were willing to pay for it".....
                                                               

The Odd-Job Man.....

                           

I sez to Barmy Albert, “You seem a tad depressed, matey.” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and declared, “I've just got old, all of a sudden! Moreover, I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, got dodgy diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear nowt proper, I’m taking ten tablets a day that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Sometimes, I can’t remember what the flamin’ hell I’m doing. I’ve got poor circulation that causes pins and needles in my hands and feet . Can't remember if I'm 65 or 82. Plus, I’ve lost all my best mates. Life is terrible!” I sez to him, “Look on the bright side Albert, at least you still have your driving license and new knees is good news!”

                                           

Elsie Grabknuckle’s husband died and she phoned the local paper in order to put a notice in the obituaries column. She is really skint and just wanted to put, 'Fred is dead.' However it transpired that you can have seven words for a tenner. So she put, 'Fred is dead. Reliant Robin for sale.'


                                           

A couple from a travelling circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills". There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply. So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for. "We don't give a damn", they say, "as long as it fits in the cannon".

                               

The odd-job man I hired yesterday was a total waste of time. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he'd only done 1,3, 5 and 7.

                                     

Thought for Thursday: 3D TV is brilliant! I've just watched the BBC weather forecast and I'm saturated!

                               

The phone rings in the church vestry and the priest answers. The voice asks: 'Hello, is this Father O'Connor?' He replies: 'It is!' 'This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?' 'I most certainly can!' 'Do you know a Tommy Scroggins?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate £20,000 to the church?' 'He will!.'

                                   

I've been teaching my little dog Alfie to beg. Last Tuesday, he came back home with £11.98.

                                             

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Bloggington at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!




                               

The Other Bloke on The Train.....

                   

After a busy day I settled down on the Virgin Pendolino train from Euston for a power nap as far as my destination at Manchester, when the bloke sitting opposite me hauled out his iPhone 6S + and started up:- "Hiya lovely, it's Dave, I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 5.30 not the 3.30, but I had a long meeting - no, not with that strumpet from the sales office, with the gaffer, no darling you're the only one in my life,yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc. This was still going on at Stoke, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Dave, turn that flamin’ phone off and come back to bed, will you!”

There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

Travel does indeed broaden one’s horizons. Last year, when I visited Taiwan, I bought a pair of shoes. Imagine my surprise, when I looked underneath the shes, on the sole and it said: 'Made Round The Corner'. Fascinating!

                             
I went to have my eyes checked last Wednesday and I learned that I can see three years into the future. The optician reckons I've got 2020 vision!

                           

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

                         

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.
                                       

I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.

The bloke who cuts keys & mends shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!


      
I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez,
"No. Did it sound Chinese?”

                         

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my   www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

World Book Day!

It's World Book Day, folks!

I'm currently reading a book called Childish Retorts by Euan Hoozami.