Barmy Albert has just bought one of those Amazon ‘Alexa’ personal assistant thingies. He asked it: "What makes a woman happy?" It’s been three days now, and it still hasn't shut up!
I went out with the missus to a fancy restaurant last night and she insisted on paying for the meal. I sez, "Don't be daft, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!”
I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked. “Well I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some cretin using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said, “Whatever makes you think I’d marry another cretin?”
I've got a new job working shifts at a company that manufactures chess set pieces. I'm on Knights next week. My dad used to work for a firm that made toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well, I think he did, because that’s all he ever brought home. The missus lost her last job, because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon any more.
Last weekend, I visited a rather busy pub in Stalybridge. I sez to the barman, “I came in here thirty years ago, with my late father.” He replied, “'Really sorry, mate. I'm going as fast as I can!”
This young lad went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The father replied, "Do you see those four trees, over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." The son replied, "But dad, I only see two!”
In the jewellers window on the High Street, there is a sign that bears the legend, ‘Watch Batteries Replaced Here.’ I went in and said to the bloke behind the counter, “Go on then....”
She was incandescent with rage! "I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed Non-Stick Nora. "I'm really disappointed." "You can hardly blame me," answered Barmy Albert. "It's not like I was getting any from you.” "Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.....”
I went out with the missus to a fancy restaurant last night and she insisted on paying for the meal. I sez, "Don't be daft, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!”
Fascinating Fact: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
Thought for Today: The word "efficient" should only have one ‘F’.
The pharmacist at Boots had a right go at me yesterday. Apparently you need a prescription to get anti-depression tablets. It's no good just showing your marriage certificate and a photo of the missus!
"I'm so sneaky, sometimes even I don't know what I'm doing!" Howell Reynolds.
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!
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