The Other Bloke on The Train.....

                   

After a busy day I settled down on the Virgin Pendolino train from Euston for a power nap as far as my destination at Manchester, when the bloke sitting opposite me hauled out his iPhone 6S + and started up:- "Hiya lovely, it's Dave, I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 5.30 not the 3.30, but I had a long meeting - no, not with that strumpet from the sales office, with the gaffer, no darling you're the only one in my life,yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc. This was still going on at Stoke, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Dave, turn that flamin’ phone off and come back to bed, will you!”

There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

Travel does indeed broaden one’s horizons. Last year, when I visited Taiwan, I bought a pair of shoes. Imagine my surprise, when I looked underneath the shes, on the sole and it said: 'Made Round The Corner'. Fascinating!

                             
I went to have my eyes checked last Wednesday and I learned that I can see three years into the future. The optician reckons I've got 2020 vision!

                           

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

                         

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.
                                       

I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.

The bloke who cuts keys & mends shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!


      
I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez,
"No. Did it sound Chinese?”

                         

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my   www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!