The Scholar.....

                                                   

Happy 100th Birthday to ‘The Forces Sweetheart’ Dame Vera Lynn! During the war, my grandfather was constantly on the lookout for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths....

                                         

Yesterday, I had a day out and went to visit the Air and Space Museum. There was nothing there! It was just all air and space. It was so disappointing. Then to compound an already unfortunate farrago, I ventured to the zoo. There was nothing there except for one dog. It was a Shih Tzu. I’ve decided that I’m staying in today.

                         

In the jewellers window on the High Street, there is a sign that bears the legend, ‘Watch Batteries Replaced Here.’ I went in and said to the bloke behind the counter, “Go on then....”



I was sauntering through Manchester last Wednesday, when some kid stopped me outside a newsagents shop on Deansgate. "Can you buy me some cigarettes please" "Sorry no, I can’t.” I informed him. "Come on” He sez, "They’re not for me, they’re for my dad" "Well why can't the lazy devil get them himself?" I asked "He's not 18 until April.” he replied.

                                     

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later. Fascinating!

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. And I'm thinking, "Who the flamin’ hell is going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

This girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother instructs her dad, a wealthy entrepreneur, to find out about this young bloke. He invites the boy to join him for a pot of tea in his study. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy. "I am a religious scholar and want to marry your daughter," he replies. "A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in and to which she is accustomed?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry sir, God will provide," replies the boy. The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions him, the boy insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "Well, how did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."


                           

                                   

Thought for Thursday: The word "efficient" should only have one ‘F’.

                                       

Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but tempus fugit’s when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Email me; comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                       

She was incandescent with rage!   "I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex,"
screamed Non-Stick Nora. "I'm really disappointed."  "You can hardly blame me," answered Barmy Albert. "It's not like I was getting any from you.”  "Well that's your fault," she replied.   “You never told me you were willing to pay for it".....