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Sunday, 16 March 2014

Fred Astaire's Brother...






Breaking News: Manchester United have reached an agreement to now be sponsored by a company that reflects their tactics and general gameplay, Pampers. Piss poor up front and shit at the back.

On a rare Saturday night off, I took the missus (Or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her.) to the local bug hut to see The Grand Budapest Hotel. What a fantastic movie! Our experience was only marred by two women constantly chattering in the seats behind us. I said to them, "Excuse me, I can't hear." "I should hope not". Came the reply, "this is a private conversation."

Whilst visiting a fortune teller last week, she told me that a huge amount of cash was coming my way. Imagine my surprise when the following day, as I crossed the High Street, I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Spooky or what?

Many years ago, I met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well."

Joke of the week: This bloke phones his wife and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says I might have to have it amputated.” Wife: “Who’s Sharon?”

Having been pulled over by the law on the M67 last week, I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket and three points, by telling the policewoman that she looked absolutely gorgeous. My master plan went awry when I said, "And that's not just the drink talking either"!

The missus called my doctor's surgery for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist," we can't fit you in for at least two weeks." "But he could be dead by then!" "No problem," she replied. "If you let us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

When I eventually got there, the doctor told me that I had to lose some weight. I asked him, “How?”, he said “Don't eat anything fatty”. I said “Like what? Do you mean pies, chips, cakes, biscuits, that sort of thing?” He replied, “No..... just don't eat anything, Fatty”.

Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

Isn't it funny what some people say? I was on the bus yesterday and these two old ladies were talking about somebody who had just died suddenly over the previous weekend and one of the old ladies remarked "It's such a tragedy, because he had only just got his bus pass."

Thought for Thursday: A monkey with a typewriter will never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But it can make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.

Fascinating Fact: Fred Astaire's brother Stan invented the stairlift....

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!



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