I was feeling so bad about the Derby game result last Tuesday, I went straight out the following morning and bought a self-help DVD called "How to Deal With Disappointment." When I opened it, the box was empty!
I’ve been invited to speak at the Manchester United end of season dinner. It’s next Wednesday. Over many years, it has been well documented that Old Trafford is an extremely difficult ground for any team to win at. Could this be the reason why Manchester United are struggling this season?
The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.
While visiting Manchester Art Gallery, I was admiring a rather Rubenesque oil painting of a naked woman, her modesty being covered with leaves. The wife didn’t appreciate it and moved on, whereas I stayed put, continuing to admire a great work of art. The missus asks, "What are you hanging around for?" I replied, "Autumn.”
Barmy Albert and Dastardly Derek met in the park every day to feed the ducks, watch the squirrels and discuss global issues. However, one day Albert didn't appear. Derek didn't concern himself too much about it and reckoned that maybe he had the flu or some other malady. But after Albert hadn't shown up for a week or two, Derek really got worried. Moreover, because the only time they ever got together was at the park, Derek didn't know where Barmy Albert lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Dastardly Derek figured that he had seen the last of Albert, but one day, Derek approached the park and -- lo and behold! There sat Albert! Derek was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud Albert, what in the world happened to you?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Barmy Albert replied, “I have been in Stangeways nick.” “In gaol!” ' cried Derek.”What in the world for?” “'Well” Albert opined, “You know Sharon, that gorgeous little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?” “Of course I do,” confirmed Derek, “I remember her well. What about her?” “'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.” “'The magistrate gave me thirty days for perjury.”
I abhor those people who bang on your door at the most inopportune times and pontificate at great length how you need to be ‘Saved’ or ‘You will burn!’ Bleedin’ Fire Brigade!
Yet another leaflet floods through the letterbox, asking for charitable donations! If the money went to the cause I would gladly contribute. But sadly it doesn't, and there are so many requests. Adopt me instead, for a mere £3 a month. You know it’s the right thing to do.
If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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