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Sunday 23 March 2014

Exasperated ain't in it!

Oh, the shame of it all! The mother-in-law was caught shoplifting recently. The judge asked what she had nicked. “A tin of peaches”, she said. “How many peaches were in the tin?” “Six”, she replied. “Well, I'll give you six days in prison for this heinous crime.” I couldn’t resist shouting out, “She also nicked a tin of baked beans”'

I went to my solicitor yesterday and, like the responsible spouse that I am, I wrote out my will. As I got home I called out to the missus, "That's it done, love! When I die I'm going to leave everything to you." She cheerily called back "You already do, you useless lump!!” I did the only thing I could do. I gave her a round of applause!

Breaking News: The Manchester United squad visited an orphanage yesterday. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Britney aged 6.

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street (behind the gasworks) this bloke suddenly hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished fella continued walking to the zebra crossing. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the flamin’ hell were you when I got married last week?"

I was chatting to a girl in Wetherspoons last night, and the conversation went thus: "Why are you only drinking orange juice?" I politely enquired. "It’s because I’m pregnant." she retorted. "I thought you were, because your tummy is sticking right out," I smiled, "But I didn't want to ask, just in case you were just a fatty. How far gone are you?" She replied, "three weeks." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!

Joke of the Week: A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine."Hiya darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, "hello"?

Thought for Thursday: Everybody has the power to make someone else really happy. Some do it by just entering a room. Others do it by leaving.

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

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