Ibrox Latest!

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

It's now official that that girls reach the age of puberty many years earlier than the male of the species. Females tend to develop breasts around the age of 14, whereas, males develop them when they get to approximately 45 years of age...

I was chatting with this extremely hot blonde girl in a bar, when out of nowhere she asked if I had a mobile phone. "Of course I have" I replied. "In which case, can I have your number?" she winked. "No problem" I said, "But you'll only get a load of annoying calls from my wife"

Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No," he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."

Exercise and diet programme all–in-one! Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Hey Presto! - Aerobix!!

There was the most abominable racket outside yesterday. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was the window cleaner jumping up and down in a rage, whilst shouting, ranting and uttering a stream of Elizabethan expletives outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

Do you remember the very first time that you ever went to the pub for a drink with your dad? "What are you having, son?" he asked me. "Diet coke please," I replied. He grimaced in a saturnine manner. "You're not having a girls drink when you're out with me, son." I smiled, "Sorry dad. I'll have whatever you’re having then." "That's more like it!" he said, slapping me on the back, before turning to the barman, and ordering, "Two normal cokes please."

Whilst perennially residing in the doghouse, I said to the missus, "I'm sorry for treating you pretty bad recently. How can I make it up to you?" She looked at me and replied, "Well you can take me to the cinema tonight." I sez, "Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards." That was when the fight started.

Alas, a hosepipe ban is forthcoming. A severe drought is upon our parched isle! It's been reported today that for Britain's reservoirs to recover, several months of torrential rain will be needed. No problem there. Let’s just wait for summer then.

Fascinating Fact: When you're over fifty, you can still do all the things that you did when you were seventeen. That’s providing that you don't mind making an absolute idiot of yourself.

Thought for Thursday: "How's that crazy idiot gonna read a newspaper all rolled up tight like that?" Thought the spider...

Smiling is infectious, you can catch it like the flu, when someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. I walked around the corner, and someone saw me grin, when he smiled, I realised, I’d passed it on to him, I thought about the smile, and then realised it’s worth , a single smile like mine, could travel round the earth, so if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, start an epidemic, And get the world infected! Click on: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                                 For your next Italian cruise....

Capello Resigns!!

Breaking News: Fabio Cappello resigns. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it? Meanwhile, Harry Redknapp’s dog was found not guilty. However, the Anfield cat was arrested for trespass. Isn’t it amazing that a video of a cat at Anfield has had over a five million hits on Youtube, yet there has been a donkey playing there every week in a red number nine shirt and nobody has even noticed? You could not make it up! Could you?


If Charles Dickens were alive today, he would no doubt undergo countless tests and examinations from scientists and doctors trying to understand how he's made it to be 200 years old. Fascinating!

When you realise you know everything, you get your A Levels. When you realise you know nothing, you get your degree. When you realise no one else knows anything either, you get your Ph.D. Educashun. Donchaluvvit?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette napper. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

It was absolutely freezing yesterday. So, after putting on two pairs of socks, three jumpers, four pairs of trousers, five woolly hats, six scarves, two thick coats and a pair of boots, I finally waddled outside. Two minutes later, I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move. "You're coming with me" said the Matalan store detective.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this fella splashing about in the middle of the lake screaming, "I can't swim! I can't swim!" "It's alright, mate, don’t panic" I shouted, whilst pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway".

Barmy Albert sez to me yesterday, "I challenge you to count 86400 seconds." I replied "Don’t be barmy Albert, that'll take me all day!"



With negative speculation growing over his position at Ibrox, Ally McCoist is considering a better paying career with Sky. A spokesman for Ally said he may consider any offer, even though he has never put up a satellite dish before!

Thought for Thursday: Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." ~ Albert Einstein

I am fully aware that you think that you believe and understood what you think I endeavoured to say, however, I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant to say in retrospective terms. Of course with the benefit of hindsight, what I am really trying to impress upon you is to click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my Jokey-Blog. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, strike the pose and get back to work!!

Harry Redknapp Latest!!

Breaking News: Fabio Cappello resigns. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it? Meanwhile, Harry Redknapp’s dog was found not guilty. However, the Anfield cat was arrested for trespass. Isn’t it amazing that a video of a cat at Anfield has had over a five million hits on Youtube, yet there has been a donkey playing there every week in a red number nine shirt and nobody has even noticed?


If Charles Dickens were alive today, he would no doubt undergo countless tests and examinations from scientists and doctors trying to understand how he's made it to 200

When you realise you know everything, you get your A Levels. When you realise you know nothing, you get your degree. When you realise no one else knows anything either, you get your Ph.D. Educashun. Donchaluvvit?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette napper. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

It was absolutely freezing yesterday. So, after putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarves, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I finally waddled outside. A minute later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move. "You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this fella splashing about in the middle of the lake screaming, "I can't swim! I can't swim!" "It's alright, mate, don’t panic" I shouted, whilst pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway".

Barmy Albert sez to me yesterday, "I challenge you to count 86400 seconds." I replied "Don’t be barmy Albert, that'll take me all day!"

With negative speculation growing over his position at Ibrox, Ally McCoist is considering a better paying career with Sky. A spokesman for Ally said he may consider any offer, even though he has never put up a satellite dish before!

Thought for Thursday: Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." ~ Albert Einstein


Valentine’s Day ominously looms in the foreground. I am making an effort. I left the missus breathless in bed last night. I hid her inhaler. Whenever I buy her flowers, she always says those magical three little words. "What've you done?"


I visited IKEA in Ashton last week. The missus purchased a decaffeinated coffee table. Apparently they are der rigueur among them there cognoscenti.

Guess what!!! I'm on the Million Pound Drop Live tomorrow night, I'm so excited.   I'm on with Stephen Hester.

Barmy Albert asked me, "So how did your night out go then?" "Not great, too many cooks spoil the movie and all that." He said, "Don't you mean broth?" "Not when you're sitting behind them in the cinema and they're all wearing chef hats."

The wife has made her mind up and she will not capitulate! She curtly informed yours truly that she leads a life of drudgery and wants to see more of the world. I told her that I thought she deserved it, however, you should have seen the look on her face when I sez I’m having a bigger kitchen window installed. Priceless!

My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking. I smoke that many cigarettes these days and it's affecting the kids' health, so I'm giving them up. Can anyone recommend a decent adoption agency?

I've just booked the same table for Valentine’s Day as we did last year. Hopefully she'll pot more than two reds this time around.

I saw Non-Stick Nora walking towards me on the High Street yesterday. I'm not saying that she is fat but if I had to pick five of the fattest women I know, she would be three of them! Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone. She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?" "Hold on a minute," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?" "You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

Disgraced former millionaire RBS boss Fred Goodwin isn’t suffering from sleepless nights. He now suffers from Knightless sleeps! "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"

"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?" "No, but he always wanted to be."

Chris Huhne's wife is to replace John Terry as England Captain - she's apparently very good at taking penalties.

Thought for Thursday: You can tell me anything. I am very good at keeping a secret. It's the people I tell it to who aren't.


I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. What I am really trying to impress upon you is to click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/  and visit my Jokey-Blog. Email me: mailto:comedianuk@sky.com %20Now, strike the pose and get back to work!!

                     Never heard of an Italian deserting a sinking ship?

Chris Huhne & John Terry Latest...

Breaking News: Chris Huhne's missus is going to succeed John Terry as England Captain. Apparently, she is brilliant at taking penalties...


Premier league managers Kenny Dalglish, Arsene Wenger, Harry Redknapp, Andre Villas-Boas and Alex Ferguson were all sitting in a pub. Wenger goes up to the bar, buys the first round. Villas-Boas buys the second, Redknapp buys the third (via his accountant). Fergie buys the 4th and Kenny buys the 5th, but doesn't return with a drink for Sir Alex "Where's mine?" Fergie asks, "Sorry" says Kenny"...." this is the 5th round and you're not in it...."

I hear that Kenny Dalglish has dismissed rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door this month. Dalglish said: "We have shown him the goal for many months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so it’d be a complete waste of time showing him the door."

Yesterday, I walked past a pub sign that read ‘Three courses for £10.00.’ I really feel sorry for all those students paying about nine thousand quid for just one course and they’ll be in debt until they are middle aged. Fascinating!

Someone was saying that it was hypocritical for MP’s to cap benefits at £26,000 a year when they get paid more than twice as much a year. In fairness though, they do have twice as many households as everyone else.

Whilst I was watching the footie last weekend, the cat came in and said "If you need me, I'll be in the shower.” I sat there thinking to myself that something was rather unusual about that. Five minutes later it dawned on me. Cats aren't supposed to like water.

I always wanted to work in the newspaper industry so I decided to take a degree at Manchester University in Media Studies. My parents said it was a waste of time and money and would never lead to a job. However, five years later, guess who delivers their newspaper every day?

My wife was on the computer today and she said, "It's just crashed on me." I said, "Is there anything you can't crash?" She went out in the car last week and when she came back home, she informed me, “Well, the airbag works”. Aaaargh!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Barmy Albert has just got a new Sat-Nav. It's driving him doo-lally. It's has Bonnie Tyler’s voice on it and it keeps telling him to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart! Technology> Donchaluvvit!

I hope my new book does well. It's called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations."

Life is a tough proposition, nobody said it was going to be easy anyway and the first hundred years are the hardest. Visit my website and make it seem a lot longer! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                                               How it happened....