Ibrox Latest!

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

It's now official that that girls reach the age of puberty many years earlier than the male of the species. Females tend to develop breasts around the age of 14, whereas, males develop them when they get to approximately 45 years of age...

I was chatting with this extremely hot blonde girl in a bar, when out of nowhere she asked if I had a mobile phone. "Of course I have" I replied. "In which case, can I have your number?" she winked. "No problem" I said, "But you'll only get a load of annoying calls from my wife"

Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No," he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."

Exercise and diet programme all–in-one! Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Hey Presto! - Aerobix!!

There was the most abominable racket outside yesterday. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was the window cleaner jumping up and down in a rage, whilst shouting, ranting and uttering a stream of Elizabethan expletives outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

Do you remember the very first time that you ever went to the pub for a drink with your dad? "What are you having, son?" he asked me. "Diet coke please," I replied. He grimaced in a saturnine manner. "You're not having a girls drink when you're out with me, son." I smiled, "Sorry dad. I'll have whatever you’re having then." "That's more like it!" he said, slapping me on the back, before turning to the barman, and ordering, "Two normal cokes please."

Whilst perennially residing in the doghouse, I said to the missus, "I'm sorry for treating you pretty bad recently. How can I make it up to you?" She looked at me and replied, "Well you can take me to the cinema tonight." I sez, "Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards." That was when the fight started.

Alas, a hosepipe ban is forthcoming. A severe drought is upon our parched isle! It's been reported today that for Britain's reservoirs to recover, several months of torrential rain will be needed. No problem there. Let’s just wait for summer then.

Fascinating Fact: When you're over fifty, you can still do all the things that you did when you were seventeen. That’s providing that you don't mind making an absolute idiot of yourself.

Thought for Thursday: "How's that crazy idiot gonna read a newspaper all rolled up tight like that?" Thought the spider...

Smiling is infectious, you can catch it like the flu, when someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. I walked around the corner, and someone saw me grin, when he smiled, I realised, I’d passed it on to him, I thought about the smile, and then realised it’s worth , a single smile like mine, could travel round the earth, so if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, start an epidemic, And get the world infected! Click on: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                                 For your next Italian cruise....