Breaking News: Chris Huhne's missus is going to succeed John Terry as England Captain. Apparently, she is brilliant at taking penalties...
Premier league managers Kenny Dalglish, Arsene Wenger, Harry Redknapp, Andre Villas-Boas and Alex Ferguson were all sitting in a pub. Wenger goes up to the bar, buys the first round. Villas-Boas buys the second, Redknapp buys the third (via his accountant). Fergie buys the 4th and Kenny buys the 5th, but doesn't return with a drink for Sir Alex "Where's mine?" Fergie asks, "Sorry" says Kenny"...." this is the 5th round and you're not in it...."
I hear that Kenny Dalglish has dismissed rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door this month. Dalglish said: "We have shown him the goal for many months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so it’d be a complete waste of time showing him the door."
Yesterday, I walked past a pub sign that read ‘Three courses for £10.00.’ I really feel sorry for all those students paying about nine thousand quid for just one course and they’ll be in debt until they are middle aged. Fascinating!
Someone was saying that it was hypocritical for MP’s to cap benefits at £26,000 a year when they get paid more than twice as much a year. In fairness though, they do have twice as many households as everyone else.
Whilst I was watching the footie last weekend, the cat came in and said "If you need me, I'll be in the shower.” I sat there thinking to myself that something was rather unusual about that. Five minutes later it dawned on me. Cats aren't supposed to like water.
I always wanted to work in the newspaper industry so I decided to take a degree at Manchester University in Media Studies. My parents said it was a waste of time and money and would never lead to a job. However, five years later, guess who delivers their newspaper every day?
My wife was on the computer today and she said, "It's just crashed on me." I said, "Is there anything you can't crash?" She went out in the car last week and when she came back home, she informed me, “Well, the airbag works”. Aaaargh!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
Barmy Albert has just got a new Sat-Nav. It's driving him doo-lally. It's has Bonnie Tyler’s voice on it and it keeps telling him to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart! Technology> Donchaluvvit!
I hope my new book does well. It's called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations."
Life is a tough proposition, nobody said it was going to be easy anyway and the first hundred years are the hardest. Visit my website and make it seem a lot longer! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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