Harry Redknapp Latest!!

Breaking News: Fabio Cappello resigns. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it? Meanwhile, Harry Redknapp’s dog was found not guilty. However, the Anfield cat was arrested for trespass. Isn’t it amazing that a video of a cat at Anfield has had over a five million hits on Youtube, yet there has been a donkey playing there every week in a red number nine shirt and nobody has even noticed?


If Charles Dickens were alive today, he would no doubt undergo countless tests and examinations from scientists and doctors trying to understand how he's made it to 200

When you realise you know everything, you get your A Levels. When you realise you know nothing, you get your degree. When you realise no one else knows anything either, you get your Ph.D. Educashun. Donchaluvvit?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette napper. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

It was absolutely freezing yesterday. So, after putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarves, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I finally waddled outside. A minute later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move. "You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this fella splashing about in the middle of the lake screaming, "I can't swim! I can't swim!" "It's alright, mate, don’t panic" I shouted, whilst pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway".

Barmy Albert sez to me yesterday, "I challenge you to count 86400 seconds." I replied "Don’t be barmy Albert, that'll take me all day!"

With negative speculation growing over his position at Ibrox, Ally McCoist is considering a better paying career with Sky. A spokesman for Ally said he may consider any offer, even though he has never put up a satellite dish before!

Thought for Thursday: Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." ~ Albert Einstein


Valentine’s Day ominously looms in the foreground. I am making an effort. I left the missus breathless in bed last night. I hid her inhaler. Whenever I buy her flowers, she always says those magical three little words. "What've you done?"


I visited IKEA in Ashton last week. The missus purchased a decaffeinated coffee table. Apparently they are der rigueur among them there cognoscenti.

Guess what!!! I'm on the Million Pound Drop Live tomorrow night, I'm so excited.   I'm on with Stephen Hester.

Barmy Albert asked me, "So how did your night out go then?" "Not great, too many cooks spoil the movie and all that." He said, "Don't you mean broth?" "Not when you're sitting behind them in the cinema and they're all wearing chef hats."

The wife has made her mind up and she will not capitulate! She curtly informed yours truly that she leads a life of drudgery and wants to see more of the world. I told her that I thought she deserved it, however, you should have seen the look on her face when I sez I’m having a bigger kitchen window installed. Priceless!

My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking. I smoke that many cigarettes these days and it's affecting the kids' health, so I'm giving them up. Can anyone recommend a decent adoption agency?

I've just booked the same table for Valentine’s Day as we did last year. Hopefully she'll pot more than two reds this time around.

I saw Non-Stick Nora walking towards me on the High Street yesterday. I'm not saying that she is fat but if I had to pick five of the fattest women I know, she would be three of them! Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone. She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?" "Hold on a minute," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?" "You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

Disgraced former millionaire RBS boss Fred Goodwin isn’t suffering from sleepless nights. He now suffers from Knightless sleeps! "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"

"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?" "No, but he always wanted to be."

Chris Huhne's wife is to replace John Terry as England Captain - she's apparently very good at taking penalties.

Thought for Thursday: You can tell me anything. I am very good at keeping a secret. It's the people I tell it to who aren't.


I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. What I am really trying to impress upon you is to click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/  and visit my Jokey-Blog. Email me: mailto:comedianuk@sky.com %20Now, strike the pose and get back to work!!

                     Never heard of an Italian deserting a sinking ship?