A Glaswegian couple have refused to be rescued from the stricken liner. They told rescue operation divers "F**k off! We're on All-Inclusive!"
I was my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night, for the weekly quiz night. The first question was "By what other name is Britain's Gross Domestic Product also known?" Apparently "The Missus" wasn't the answer they were looking for. Hmmm, may have to Google that one!
A fella comes home from work only to find his son playing on a new Xbox: "how did you afford that Xbox, they cost up to £200" "Easy dad, I earned it hiking." The guy replied “I don’t understand, how did you earn money hiking?” The lad sez, “ When I come home from school and Uncle Tommy is here with mum, he always gives me a tenner and tells me “hey kid, go take a hike.”
Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world. That honour now goes to Manchester City Footbal Club!.
Three boy scouts were talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”
A young boy went to a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His dad replies, “It’s to ensure that the animal is fit and has no injuries, before you buy it.” The lad thought for a minute and said, “I think Albert from next door wants to buy mummy.”...
I phoned that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly today and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert." "Okay" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?" I said, "£400."
The missus said, "New year, same old lazy you. I hope you've got something good planned for Valentines day." I said, "I have indeed. I think I'll take the Christmas decorations down."
I was talking to my Nan the other day when suddenly, I then realised that everyone else in the Indian Restaraunt was giving me weird looks.
Thought for Thursday: The brain is a most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
"Come on in," I said to the neighbour at the front door. "I'd rather not," she said, "I've got dirty feet." "That doesn't matter," I said. "You can keep your shoes on."
Sometimes, we discover that we have hidden talents. Whilst organising a day out, I phoned The Blue Planet Aquarium on the Wirral. They said my call may be recorded for training Porpoises. Incredible!!
All this January sales lark gubbins ain't all it's cracked up to be, I went to Boots, they don't sell boots, went to Currys, they dont sell curry, went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges, and as for that Virgin Megastore, well what a f***ing let down that was!
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Cheer up, the spring is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!
And that was only for starters!!
