Happy New 2012! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.
Breaking News: Diane Abbot has just received an eight match ban and a £40k fine.
More Breaking News: Sir Alex Ferguson is set to recall Bobby Charlton for the game against Liverpool on 29th Jan. Moreover, if any City fans out there are feeling upset and need some Kompany, feel 3-2 pop round!
My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert asked me, "What's the most you've ever paid for sex?" "Marriage," I replied. Upon reflection, marriage is like a deck of cards really. You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade....
I sincerely wish that Michael Barrymore (who once owned the most perilous stretch of water in the UK) is invited into the Big Brother house to give swimming lessons to Frankie Coccoza. If my wish is granted, then let's hope that Frankie is able to do a length!
New Movies: I've just been to see The Iron Lady. She is so professional and is the only person who really knows how to get the creases out of my shirts. Seriously though, I'd have thought that Robert Downey Jnr would have had at least a cameo role in this movie.
Wayne Rooney, the spud-faced nipper, has been suspended by Sir Alex ‘The Hairdryer’ Ferguson because he went out on Boxing night, when he should have been at home, toasting his toes in front of the fire. Rooney has had to participate in extra training sessions and has received a hefty fine rumoured to be in the region of £200,000 from Manchester United for his misdemeanours. What a coincidence! I too have been in serious trouble with the missus, because of my New Year keep fit regime. She is whingeing because I have been out the last four nights running. Having said that, the missus and I both share the same sense of humour. We have to. She ain’t got one! She does light up the room however, whenever she moves away from the window!
2012 technology is already here and available! Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut. Fascinating!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.
I bought my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She gazed at my smug countenance with the utmost disdain, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App which in turn corrupted the iBooze function. So I ain’t been down the pub all week. Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it
Although there may have been lots of jokes that you may not have found particularly funny in this blog during 2011, please rest assured that I intend to continue this all the way through 2012. I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: http://www.comedianuk.com/
or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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