Eddie Costello - Theatrical Svengali..

Cardew Costello reads from the archives of his father Edward, the theatrical svengali who was recently released from the infamous Scroggins Asylum for the Radio Rental, it is rumoured in the trade that he will be re-assuming his mantle as Chief Executive Officer of the Costello Corporation which is based in Seedley, Salford. (near the gippo encampment). It was reported that total assets of the company are eight quid. The company was belived to be floated on the stock market at the end of the month, but recent floods have brought it forward.


There was once a great actor named Sir Miles Platting, who lived behind the gas works on Clegg Street, next to 'er with dirty curtains. He had a monumentous problem.
He could no longer remember his lines. His shed had gorn. In short, there was air getting in.
Finally, after many years he finds
a theatre where they are prepared
to give him a chance to shine again. The Limelight beckoned and Sir Miles couldn't resist. Oh! The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd. Wahee!

The director says,
"This is the most important part, and it has
only one line, you must walk on to the stage
carrying a rose, you must hold the rose
with just one finger and your thumb to your nose,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line
'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play
he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage,
and with great passion delivered the line;
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming
with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered,
"What happened, did I forget my line?"

"NO!" the director screamed,
"YOU FORGOT THE BLOODY ROSE!"

New Plasma TV...

I've got a new plasma TV. Its ADD-HD. I can't watch it for very long...

www.ComedianUK.com

Groaner....

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"





;

Hollywood Squares: Our equivalent was celebrity squares but not this funny...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up

almost 15 minutes of the show!)



Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump,at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..



Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..



Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics,what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting

into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his

head,what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them

and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

The way things are...

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet
for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
Restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the
food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can
eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because
the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once
again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because

they have never been there before.

Zoo...

A man visits the zoo. There is nothing there, apart from one dog. It was a Shiatsu.

Cobblers...

October 2005
Keep it brief.... no matter how long it takes.

A lady walks into a chemists shop and asked for some cyanide.
Chemist asked her why she wanted cyanide.- She said" I want to
poison my husband"
Chemist said" I cant give you cyanide- its against the law and I
would lose my licence and get struck off.
Lady reaches in her purse and produces a picture of her husband in
bed with chemists wife.
Chemist says "Well now- why didn't you tell me you had a prescription".

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About
two hours."
The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours."


The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a
half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."




A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics decended into chaos yesterday, when somebody shouted "He's behind you! "

Worraloadabollocks...

In retrospect..........
In retrospect, I'm beginning to think that it's probably not a good concept to allow an eight year-old child work in a turkey de-beaking plant. The poor kid gets home far too late and it interferes with my severe gambling addiction and multi-personality disorder psychotherapy sessions. All this awful mess stems from my childhood, when I suffered a serious allergy to nuts. My father took great pleasure in playing Russian Roulette with me using a bag of Revels. I now have regular appointments with my shrink who has cured my inferiority complex in just a few days. |He has come to the conclusion that I am inferior! He reckons that I am in decline, but handling it with tremendous panache!




I was having a beer in my local pub 'The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife' yesterday, when who should wander in, but my next-door neighbour 'Barmy Albert'. He was most upset. Apparently, he got home early from work and found his wife (Ethel) and his best
friend in bed with each other!" I sez to him "Thats awful, what are you going to do?"
He said "I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce forthwith!" "Good for you!" I replied, "You did the right thing, and what did you say to your best friend?" Albert composed himself and with all the dignity he could muster, he replied "Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ..BAD DOG!"

A pal of mine had to attend hospital recently. The consultant advised him after a thorough examination that he had “something very, very rare”. In a state of near panic my friend enquired “ what’s that then?” The consultant replied “A bed”



The National Eczema Association are currently raising funds and making every endeavor to raise both their profile and public awareness of this irritating skin disorder. They have launched a scratch card.



Some things are totally beyond belief. I hear that The National Drugs Helpline have streamlined their telephone advice system. When you dial their number now, a recorded voice gives you several options. It goes like this. “Hello, welcome to the drugs helpline, if you are addicted to heroine, press button one on your telephone keypad, if you are having problems with cocaine, press two, if you are addicted to amphetamines, press three. For all other drug enquiries, press the hash key”

Top Tips from VIZ comic...

October 2005
If I could give you one tip for the fuschia.......
DON'T waste money on top of the range, state of the art ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "change tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead of the original one. Why not hum the Scottish version? Its called an 'Och Aye pod'

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts. Have you seen that film called 'The Bible'? I 've read the book.



RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin all da one time' all the time by actually speaking clearly the first time.



DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a bucket of diarrhoea in the bin bags along with your old credit card statements.



ARE YOU WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a night drinking copious bottles of red wine? Simply slurp down a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. Do you already have yellow teeth? Try wearing a brown tie and go walkabout on an autumn day.



SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Max Spielman.



MASS MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a hirsute, bloated torso? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via Parcelforce. You will never see it again. But you'll probably still be able to smell it. What about the acid bath murderer that lost his arm pulling the plug out!



BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.



EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing two-thirds of the CVs into the bin.



MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down five notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.



GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. When you receive it, jump up and down and shout "WAHEE!"



KIDS: Fool your 12 year old daughter into believing that you have bought her a pony by tapping two pistachio nutshells together thereby giving the impression that a very small horse is approaching.



BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. I reckon that its not that bad being blind. When you die, you just think that you've gone deaf. You are therefore, immortal.



ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness. Especially when you have your own recycling skip round the back ginnell.



DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.



PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.



CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove compartment or in the boot.



DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on Co-Codamol, Ibroprufen or similar.



MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large clam shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. Or somewhere beyond the sea.



SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. If you buy them whilst on holiday in Taiwan, they have a label on the sole of the footwear bearing the legend 'Made round the corner'.



SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Top Shop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.



DESIGNER LABELS: I have a suit that has a designer label. It sez 'MATT ALLEN'



BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. If your missus is blonde, then ensure that she dosen't put the egg-timer in the boiling water along with the chucky eggs



ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. Why do they call it ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS? When you attend a meeting, you have to stand up and say "My name's Steve, and I'm an alcoholic".



McDONALD'S RESTARAUNT'S: Listen up! Pay Attention! Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of the car window by heretics.





WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a toss anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house later on.

Afghan Women...

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try to change?"







"Land mines," said the woman

Lost Dog...

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.

Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him.

Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded.

She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.

Thanks for your help.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Is it yerself?

A wee Irish boy is sat crying by the side of the road. A lady eventually wanders by and asks, "What's wrong, son?" The boy says," Me Mama just died." "Oh bejaysus," says the kindly lady, "Do you want me to fetch Father O'Reilly?" The wee boy quickly replies, "No thanks, missus. Sex is the last ting on moi mind roight now...

Old Sayings or Urban Myth??

1. They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it

was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didn’t have a

pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.



2. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled

pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to

hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.



3. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice

clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all

the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,

"Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"



4. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for

animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it

rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying

"It's raining cats and dogs."



5. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the

bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big

posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into

existence.



6. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor". The

wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on

floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened

the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way doorway,

hence: a threshold.



7. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every

day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.

They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over

the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:

Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.



8. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over,

they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the

bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.



9. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead

to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for

the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.



10 Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the

middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.



11. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers

out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them

for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather

around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.



12. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they

would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening

these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they

had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the

coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all

night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was

considered a dead ringer.

Let it snow, let it snow....

DEC
20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and
covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th We
awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far
as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered
with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and
loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a
snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple
just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their
fun.

DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the
temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees
and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway
again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough
during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the
temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars £500. Fell on
my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - £200.
Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's
that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on
our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater
which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames
out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and
eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty and was written
off.

JAN 13th Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The
little clowns next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll
shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take good surgeon 6
hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough
I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the
bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'fucking' Schumacher and
buries he fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of
fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and god knows what other
white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting
the snowplough driver with an ice - pick..
Can't move my fucking toes.
Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking snow
forecast

FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Call Centre Conversations...

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Man Walks Into A Bar...

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 3 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and this time orders 6 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and ups his order to 10 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."